Ulf and Sven and the Olaf Olafson story

Sven: (offstage) "Ulf. Ulf."

(enter Sven)

Sven: "We're going to make a movie, Ulf."

Ulf: "A movie, Sven. How?"

Sven: "It's the local community project, Ulf. They've lent me a video camera for the day. I can make a movie, enter it in a national competition and if I win I get to direct a real film with a £1 million budget."

Ulf: "But what film, Sven? 

Sven: "A film about Olaf Olafson's invasion of the Isle of Wight. I've always wanted to make it, he's my hero."

Ulf: "But where are your actors, Sven?"

Sven: "We're the actors, Ulf. I can direct and star in the film at the same time, like Clint Eastwood."

Ulf: "But the battle for the Isle of Wight involved thousands. How can two people play a Viking horde and the entire population of the Isle of Wight at the same?"

Sven: "There are techniques, Ulf. Camera angles. Close ups. And we can ask passers by to make up crowd scenes, everyone wants to be in a movie."

Ulf: "And where will we film?"

Sven: "By the clifftop, Ulf. It's a perfect location."

Ulf: "But it is raining, Sven. We cannot film outside in this weather. And we have only one day."

Sven: "In which case we'll film in here. Fetch your Viking helmet and plastic sword."

Ulf: "But who will play the Isle of Wight villagers. There are no passers by in here."

Sven: "I will fetch Teddy. He always wanted to be in a film."

Exit Ulf and Sven, who return wearing Viking helmets and brandishing swords. Sven carries a teddy bear, which also has a sword, and which is wearing an 'I love the Isle of Wight' T shirt.

"Right, I'll set up the camera over hear to get a long shot of the Viking attack. Teddy, you stand there and we'll attack. Ulf, when you're ready."

Ulf and Sven charge towards Teddy and wallop him with swords. 

Sven: "Cut." 

They stop walloping the teddy bear with swords. 

Ulf: "It is good, Sven. Yes."  

Sven watches the recording on the camera. 

Sven: "It's not realistic. We don't make any noise, it looks like a silent film.  We'll shoot again, this time say something aggressive as we attack.

Ulf and Sven charge towards Teddy

Ulf: "Did Teddy. Die."

Sven stops the charge abruptly.

Sven: "There's no need for that, Ulf. Teddy could be traumatised for life. Direct your aggression towards the Isle of Wight villagers, not the teddy bear."

Ulf: "Sorry Sven. I get carried away."

Ulf and Sven charge towards Teddy. Ulf runs into Teddy's sword and staggers away, mortally wounded. 

Sven: "We're not supposed to lose, Ulf. That's historically inaccurate. Viewers will notice and write in."

Ulf: "Sorry Sven, Teddy caught me by surprise. I think he's still angry with me."

Sven: "Let's try one more time."

Ulf and Sven charge noisily towards Teddy and wallop him with swords

Sven: "And cut!" 

They stop. Sven checks the recording.

Sven: "Perfect. We have our movie."

Ulf: "What happens now?"

Sven: "I send the movie off to the competition. And then we wait."

Ulf: "How long do we wait, Sven."

Sven: "Nine months."

Ulf: "That's a long time, Sven. What shall we do while we're waiting?"

Sven: "I don't know, Ulf. I'm in a post-creative impasse. I've given my all. Now I'm just a void."

Ulf: "We could watch TV, Sven. There's a Viking film on the Viking movies channel."

Sven: "I can't watch that, Ulf."

Ulf: "You love Viking films, Sven."

Sven: "But what if the Viking film on the TV is better than our movie, Ulf? I would be able to live with myself."

Ulf: "What shall we do then, Sven?"

Sven: "Nothing Ulf. Just wait for the results. It's only nine months."