Advertising Slogans with a Twist (an excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Due to my love of language, ambiguity and sarcasm, whenever I hear certain advertising slogans while watching television or listening to the radio, my mind begins to race and I immediately laugh, as I intentionally misinterpret the slogans to mean something completely different than what they were intended to express. Following will be some of those very slogans and my responses to them.

Double your pleasure. Double your fun. (Doublemint gum)
Yes, because when I think about doubling my pleasure and fun, gum is the first thing that crosses my mind.

Horatio: “Dude, I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun! This weed is incredible!”

Carl: “One sec.”

Horatio: “What are you doing?”

Carl: “Here you go.”

Horatio: “What’s this?”

Carl: “Doublemint gum, of course.”

How do you spell relief? (Rolaids)
Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Relief. R-E-L-I-E-F. Relief.

Just do it. (Nike)
I never knew that Charlie Sheen was the spokesperson for Nike.

Let your fingers do the walking. (Yellow Pages)
No wonder this country is fighting obesity.

Sharon: “What on earth are you doing?”

Buster: “I’m going for a walk.”

Sharon: “Come on, Buster. Why would you want to do that?”

Buster: “Eh, I’m fat. I need to start exercising more.”

Sharon: “Just let your fingers do the walking.”

Buster: “Won’t that look a tad strange?”

Sharon: “It’s better than letting your legs do the walking. It saves time and energy!”

Reach out and touch someone. (AT&T)
Alright, but if charges are filed, I’m going to blame you.

You’re in good hands with… (Allstate)
Being 5’9” and all, those are some mighty large hands.

You deserve a break today. (McDonald’s)
Crap. What’s it going to be this time? Hand? Ankle? Foot? Head?

Charles: “This day has been tough. I honestly don’t know how it could get any worse. I’m so stressed right now.”

Ronald: “Yeah, you deserve a break today.”

Charles: “No! You didn’t tell Frankie and Paulie to stop by again, did you? What’s it going to be this time?”

I wish I were an… (Oscar Meyer Wiener)
Until you’re eaten, then you will have wished you made a different request.

Mrs. Topeka: “Okay, class. Now, I’m going to go around the room and want each of you to tell me what you want to be when you grow up. We’ll start over here.”

Johnny: “I want to be a baseball player!”

Susie: “I want to be a dancer!”

Billy Bob: “I want to be a race car driver!”

Luke: “I want to be a cop!”

Brianna: “I want to be in the movies!”

Yolanda: “I want to be an Oscar Meyer wiener!”

Does she… or doesn’t she? (Clairol hair color)
Your girlfriend? She does and she does it very well.

Have it your way. (Burger King)
I wish girlfriends were more like this.

Angelo: “Come on, honey! You know I’ve always wanted to have fun with you and your five girlfriends at the same time!”

Lucia: “Fine. Have it your way.”

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site:

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz