Girlfriend Application (excerpt from my book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass)

Name:

(Note: If your name is Halle Berry, you automatically qualify.)

Age:

(You must be between the ages of 18 and 87.)

Job:

(Strippers and prostitutes can qualify, politicians can not.)

Criminal History:

(As long as you never made an appearance on America’s Most Wanted, I won’t fret too much.)

Education:

(You must have passed kindergarten to be eligible.)

Kids:

(If you had octuplets at one time or named any of your children after one of Santa’s reindeer, you will be automatically disqualified. Also, it is of no relevance if your child has a red nose.)

Appearance:

(If you look like any of the following, you will be ahead of the game: Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn or Lance Bass.)

Personality:

(A great personality is a must, but if when describing you, friends ONLY mention your personality, then I’m afraid you’re out of luck.)

Sense of humor:

(If you can’t distinguish between sarcasm and seriousness, you will be bopped on the head with a sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel and not be eligible.)

Speech:

(If you speak more quickly than someone does Spanish, more slowly than someone whom works at Wal-Mart, are as monotone as Ben Stein or use more clichés than a football coach, you will have to induce migraines elsewhere.)

Sociability:

(If you can stimulate a deep conversation with a mime, preferably regarding Plato’s Cave, you will automatically reach the finals.)

Fashion:

(If you wear a five-piece swimsuit at the beach or a football uniform at a bar, I’m afraid you will have to either move to Europe or find yourself a girlfriend.)

Politics:

(If you thought George W. Bush was an eloquent speaker, I will know you didn’t get past pre-school and due to that, you will not be eligible to be my girlfriend and hopefully not eligible to vote.)

Religion:

(I’m pretty flexible when it comes to religion, so long as you’ve found Jesus.)

Sex:

(If you’re willing to engage in a one-night stand, you will not be eligible. If you’re willing to prolong the one-night stand for a full weekend, I’ll think about it.)

Habits:

(The only thing you’re allowed to smoke is crack. If you smoke cigarettes or cigars, I’m afraid it’s not going to work between the two of us.)

Hobbies:

(As long as you like everything I like, we’re cool. This would include: Developing Tourette’s Syndrome in a church, chasing tornadoes in a golf cart, streaking around the White House and playing chess while drunk.)

Music:

(If you believe that Fred Durst is as good a writer as Bob Dylan and/or Nickelback is as musically talented as Led Zeppelin, I’m afraid you will not be eligible and I suggest you buy some hearing aids).

Movies:

(If you can not accept the fact I don’t want to see “The Notebook,” I suggest you find a gay man and see how that works.)

Sports:

(If you partake in any of the following “sports,” you may well be on your way to the finals: Playing tennis with a football, bowling with a pinball, playing baseball with a cannonball, playing golf with a basketball or curling.)

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site:

http://stores.lulu.com/thetaoofroz