Misusing Words

I’m a bit of a spelling and grammar geek. I’m not perfect in those two departments and realize many people aren’t as anal-retentive as I am when it comes to that, but I can’t help it sometimes. This is especially the case when people feel the need to constantly misuse the following words: There/their/they’re, your/you’re, then/than and to/too/two.

I sometimes wonder if people know what they’re actually saying when they constantly misuse these very words. Often times, their statements don’t make a bit of sense.

First, let me give an example of how to properly use these words:

YOU’RE TOO stupid for words! YOUR habits of snorting fun dip while watching “The Matrix” has TO stop! THEN you have the nerve TO tell me not one, but TWO times that my habits are worse THAN YOURS! THERE are always times TO get a little crazy! Remember the nuns we saw the other night? THEY’RE always out partying! If anyone can handle THEIR liquor, they can! So, please, stop snorting fun dip! Let’s start drinking with the nuns!

The capitalized words are all properly used in the above paragraph. Now let me give some examples of when these very words are not used correctly and interpret the statements for their literal and not intended meaning:

“THEY’RE was a wasp’s nest that I hit with a metal bat and all the wasps came after me!”

This makes absolutely no sense. In a two-word span, we go from present to past tense. “They are was”? “They are was dead.” Eh, so they were dead or are dead? Did they pull a Jesus and come back to life? Let’s get the story straight here.

“THEIR not the nicest people in the world, but I still don’t think they’ll ever throw watermelons at our cars again.”

Outside of a fascination with destruction and reeking havoc, what else do these people possess as you so suggest? Watermelons, I suppose, but that’s not what you were trying to state here, were you?

“I think THERE daughter is kind of a bitch.”

She may very well be, but I’m perplexed on how it is that a place can have a daughter. Who is this couple? A strip club and a church?

“YOU’RE rash is getting worse by the day!”

This person is a rash? I’m not sure I’ve seen such a human before. I have to admit, I’m kind of curious.

“YOUR not going to get that tattoo of a naked woman on your face!”

His what? “Your” is showing possession of something, but the man has yet to possess the tattoo, so what is it he possesses, besides masochism?

“If you’re going to act like that THAN I’m not going let you attend that orgy!”

Okay, so you’re comparing what to what now? How the person is acting and the orgy which he wants to attend? I’m not seeing any other possibilities here and I’m not thinking that comparison makes a lick of sense either.

“You’re a lot uglier THEN you used to be, honey.”

By using the words “used to be,” you’ve already established a particular timeline. You’re making a comparison between your husband’s past appearance with his present one. Even though I’m sure he is not the most thrilled person in the world right now, if he knows the proper usage of the words “then” and “than,” to go along with being hurt, angry and disloyal later in the evening, he’s probably quite confused.

“I’m going TWO the store to buy some cash.”

Eh, what? Best of luck exchanging $50 cash for $50 cash. I hope gas prices aren’t too high right now. Anyway, I’m not understanding the first half of the sentence either. With how you worded things, you could have said, “I’m going three to the store” or “I’m going ninety-six to the store.” Of course, in that latter example, she could be talking about how fast she’s going in her car. I certainly hope that’s not the case, but being the fact she wants to buy cash with cash, I shouldn’t put anything past her.

“I want to drive that race tractor TO.”

I bet you do. I’d like for you to finish your sentence, though. Where exactly are you going to drive this race tractor? Wal-Mart? A race track? An Amish community? Whatever the scenario, I hope you post pictures of your experience on Facebook.

“I have TOO tests tomorrow, one in English and the other in Satanism for Kids.”

I can already say you’re not going to pass your English test. Based on the first part of your sentence, I’m unaware of how many tests you actually have tomorrow. You only list two, but don’t state with much clarity just how many there are. Regardless of the number, I wish you the best of luck, especially with the one in English.

There you have it, your English lesson for the day. Tomorrow I will be teaching how to properly use words that don’t yet exist. See you then.

This book and my three others can be viewed and/or purchased at the following site:

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz