Bangkok Holiday

My divorce was messy, it kind of wrecked my soul
and it had been at least six months since I had got my hole
I explained it to my mate and he quickly took stock.
He said, you need a holiday; have you heard of Bangkok?

I had a few bob stashed away that no one knew about,
I took it straight to Ryanair and caught the first flight out.
By the time that I arrived in Thailand, I was fit to kill;
it took two weeks 'cause Ryanair, flew there via Brazil.

I was stiff and sore and sick, with spasms in my back
and would have drank piss; I was dryer than an old nun's crack.
The hotel, it was 'One Star' but I really don't know why,
it smelt like my granny's fanny and the cockroaches weren't shy.

I was starving and my hunger got the better of my doubt,
I ordered Shrimp, which later, turned my arsehole inside-out.
After three days I thought it was maybe safe to go outdoors
trying not to cough or sneeze - in case I shit my drawers.

It was evening time, when I came to a bar that looked just right;
it was full of gorgeous women, wearing mini-skirts real tight.
I ordered beer and sat down painfully, right at the bar.
A bird approached and rubbed my leg; she really looked a star.

A smile that had three thousand teeth and lovely little tits,
I thought, 'this is more like it', though my arse was still in bits.
I said hello, she smiled and asked, 'would you like fucky-fuck?
I thought, thank God, it's bloody time I had a change of luck.

She started massaging my cock and said, 'my name's Mai Lai.
I said, it sounded good to me; she said I'd have to pay.
With a hard-on like a tent pole, I took her 'round the back,
she said, she had a womb. I said I'd settle for her crack.

She knelt and took my cock out and started to suck and stroke;
she nearly swallowed sack as well, I thought she'd fucking choke.
She stood and bent over, saying 'fucky-fuck my ass'
it's not what I expected but I couldn't let it pass.

Her arse was tight, my eyes were crossed, my mouth was open wide,
I thought, I was in heaven as I pushed it deep inside.
I slipped my hand around the front and got an awful shock;
instead of a wet pussy, I grabbed hairy balls and cock!

My eyes, they straightened out real fast, my brain no longer numb
as she said, 'oh yes rubby-rub, we both makes lots of cum.'
I found my voice and screamed at her (or should I say at him)
as his seven inch todger stood out, like an extra limb.

'What kind of yoke are you, I cried, how come you've got these bits
you look just like a bird on top, you've even got two tits?
Belatedly, I thought about where my cock was still stuck.
I pulled it out and thought that I could hear it say, 'oh fuck!'

I ran with my cock in my hand; it now had gone all limp;
it was while looking down at it, I ran into the pimp.
He grabbed my warmly by the throat and told me, I must pay
for the privilege of screwing his best 'Ladyboy' Mai Lai

I told him, 'go and fuck yourself, you dirty fucking creep'
then suddenly, the lights went out and I was put too sleep.
I woke up later, in a bin, my head all filled with pain,
I just lay there wondering, if I'd gone quite insane?

I was just about to move, when there was engine noise,
I froze and held my breath, in case it was more 'Ladyboys'
The bin it started moving; I remember thinking; 'Fuck!'
as it lifted, tipping all the crap and me, into the truck.

A ton of smelly garbage trundled down on top of me
I couldn't move or shout, I couldn't even hear or see.
I thought my goose was cooked, I really thought that this was it;
in more ways than one, I thought, I'm really in deep shit!

About an hour later, the truck stopped and the back tipped
on to a burning rubbish dump; I swear, I nearly flipped.
I sat there for a minute, feeling really out of sorts,
until some melted plastic burned the arse out of my shorts.

With smoke streamed eyes and blistered bum, I found the main road back,
I headed for the hotel, my intention was too pack.
I walked all night, arriving as the sun crested the ridge
and spent an hour with arse stuck in the mini fridge.

The cabbie, had a right good laugh, as he sped down the street;
he smiled in his rear mirror, as I knelt on the back seat.
I couldn't wait to get myself out of this living hell;
I noticed as we bounced along, my dick begin to swell.

It was in the airport toilet that I started pissing glass;
Great! Now I could add the clap to blackened eyes and toasted arse.
I couldn't wait to see my mate - on who's advice I'd gone;
as soon as I was out of nappies, he would sing a different song!

If anyone should read this, then please take head of this rant
the birds there are fucking gorgeous and their dresses are so scant.
But be advised, if you are thinking; 'maybe I'll indulge',
check her jaw for stubble and her panties for a bulge.

I am really better now and all my hidden scars, don't show,
I met my ex-wife and we said, we'd have another go.
She was screwing someone else – thank God – he gets the blame,
every time the Herpes causes her vagina to inflame.

I often think of Mai Lai and of her (or his) tight butt
I pray, most nights, that someone permanently welds it shut.
The wife and I are heading off on holiday this year...
we're renting out a caravan, not far from Blackpool pier.