The Day I Stared Deff in the Hood!

“Aright old son? How’s it goin’?”

GOOD LORD! WHO ARE YOU?

“I’m deff, n’ I!”

“WELL, I’M SORRY TO HEAR IT
BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR
CREEPING UP ON PEOPLE.”

“What? Whatchya on about?”

“I AM SAYING; JUST - BECAUSE -
YOU - CAN’T - HEAR, - IS - NO –
REASON - TO - GO – AROUND –
CREEPING - UP - ON - PEOPLE.”

“Oo sez I can’t ear?”

“WELL, YOU JUST DID!”

“Naw, I never!”

“I DISTINCTLY HEARD YOU
SAY THAT YOU WERE DEAF.”

“Yea! I yam! Don’t mean I can’t ear though!”

“ARE YOU COMPLETELY UNHINGED?”

“Whas ‘at mean?”

“IT MEANS; ARE YOU MAD OR
JUST acting LIKE A MORON?”

“Hey?”

“MY GOD MAN! PULL THAT HOOD
OUT OF YOUR EYES AND YOU MAY
BE ABLE TO READ MY LIPS.”

“I doe need ta read ya lips; I ain’t deff;
I already told ya.”

“WILL YOU WATCH WHAT YOU
ARE DOING WITH THAT
BLOODY WEAPON THAT YOUR
SWINGING AROUND THERE.”

“It ain’t no weapon; it’s me scythe!
It’s like a symbol; you know, the
Grim Reaper an’ all ‘at like!”

“LOOK! ARE YOU OR, ARE
YOU NOT, DEAF?”

“Yes; I am!”

“SO, YOU ARE DEAF - BUT
YOU CAN HEAR?”

“Err…Yea, ‘ats right!”

“OK, FINE! IS THERE SOMETHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU, before YOU
GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE;
OR DO I HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE?”

“Call who you like mate; no one
else can see me ‘cept you!”

“RIGHT, SO YOUR DEAF BUT
YOU CAN HEAR! YOU’RE HERE
BUT YOU’RE INVISIBLE; I SUPPOSE
YOU CAN TALK BUT YOUR
ALSO DUMB?”

“I ain’t dumb pal! Ya can’t do
this job and be dumb. I’m probly
Cleverer than you! I’m a ‘prentice grim reaper!”

“YOU’RE A FUCKING LUNATIC!”

“Won’t do no good to get insulting!
Here comes the bartender; do you want
another drink before we go – or what?”

“I AM GOING NOWHERE WITH YOU!”

“Innit funny how they all say the same thing?
Your uncle Dick said exactly that, just
before he fell off the window ledge.”

“HE DIDN’T FALL HE JUM….WHAT
DID YOU SAY? HOW DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT MY UNCLE DICK?”

“I bin tryin’ to tell ya…here, hang on;
You got company; there’s a couple of birds comin!”

“I DON’T CARE WHO’S COMING! WHEN
DID YOU LAST SEE ‘DICK’?”

“I beg your pardon! What did you just say
to me? You filthy pervert!”

“I WAS NOT ADDRESSING YOU MADAM;
I WAS TALKING TO THE ‘HALFWIT’ BESIDE YOU!”

“That’s my mother you ignorant pig!”

“NOT HER, YOU STUPID WOMAN; THE GUY
THE OTHER SIDE OF YOU; WITH THE HOOD.”

“How dare you! In the first place, I am not
stupid! In the second place; there is
no one else beside me! Are you on day-release
from the local asylum?”

“HE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE, WITH HIS.
HUGE WEAPON IN HIS HAND; IF HE STICKS
THAT IN YOU, YOU’LL KNOW HE’S THERE!”

“You are one sick bastard! I will be reporting you
to the relevant authorities. Come on mother, lets
get away from this maniac!”

“She can’t see me; I toll ya…no one can see me;
except when it’s their time!”

“I MUST BE LOSING MY MIND. WHO THE
HELL ARE YOU?”

“For the last time; I am deff; D-E-A-T-H, Deff!

“DEATH??? OH MY GIDDY AUNT!”

“More like your giddy uncle, in your case.”

“SO THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW ABOUT DICK!”

“Yea! Poor old Dick; he never jumped you know!
It was all a terrible accident really.”

“WHA…WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

“Well, he was havin’ a bit o’ extra marital
relations; in uvver words he was screwin’ a
bird, who’s hubby was at work! Then the hubby
only goes and comes ‘ome, dunnie! So Dick
jumps out on the winda ledge – bear in mind he’s
four stories up and stark naked.”

“I DIDN’T KNOW DICK HAD IT IN HIM!”

“Dunno ‘bout that; but he certainly ’ad it in the wife!
Well, the hubby searches the place upside down but can’t find a trace
of anyone. He kisses his wife who puts on a great
‘I’m so ‘urt, you don’t trust me’ act and satisfied,
toddles back to work!
Me and Dick was havin’ a chat on the ledge
cos I was kinda explainin’ who I was like.
Well when we ‘ear the husband buggerin’ off Dick gets
all excited like and starts laughin’ at me, sayin’; ‘Ha!
Looks like you ain’t got me yet!’
With that the bird – who he is screwin’ – is so ‘appy to
have got away wiv it that, she rushes over and flings
open the winda. Dick weren’t lookin’ where he was goin’
and BANG! the winda frame smacks him right in the nuts!
That was the end of poor old Dick!”

“HE GOT KILLED BY THE WINDOW FRAME??”

“No! He got ‘urt by the winda frame; it was the fallin’ four
Stories and landin’ on 'is 'ead in the car park, what killed him!”

“JESUS!”

“I don’t wanna be tellin’ you ya business but I’d lay off
the blasphemy at this time if I was you!”

“OH FUCK!”

“Swearin’ might as well be left behind too!
I ain’t tellin’ ya; just suggestin’ like.”

“SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW? IS MY TIME REALLY UP?”

“As far as I know mate. See I only follow orders and one of
the team leaders toll’ me to reveal myself to a ‘J. McCoy’
On April 1st at the finishing post in Kempton!
This bar is called the ‘Finishing Post’! You are John McCoy
and this is April 1st; so here I am!

“ERR…I GUESS MY TIME MUST BE UP BUT I DON’T FEEL SICK, IN FACT; I NEVER FELT BETTER!”

“Well, there ya go, ya never can tell! Hang about,
Your friends are back an’ the boys in blue are wiv ‘em!”

“That’s him officer; that’s the pervert; isn’t it mother?
I want to make an official complaint; my name is Nora McCoy
and this is my mother Joan!......Mother who ever are you talking too?
What man with a big weapon? I don’t see anybody!”………………