How to ‘Top’ yourself (without using the ‘S’ word).

Told my wife, ‘I’ll lobotomise myself,
do you know where I’d get a weapon?’
She cried, ‘In the bathroom, on one of the shelves -
and could you please use a condom!’

I said, I’d be well hung by the time she got home,
I was heading for permanent sleep.
She said, ‘Don’t be stupid, you’ve only got up
and don’t make promises, that you can’t keep.’

I told her, I’d rip out my heart with my hands
and then she’d be full of regret.
She said, ‘…although it all depends on the odds..’
she wouldn’t advise a large bet.

I warned, ‘I’ll stick my head in a barrel of water,
I’ll be all limp and there will be tears!’
She said she had got used to that long ago
and been using a dildo for years.

I opened the oven door and kneeling down;
‘Turn it on and I’ll insert my head.’
She said, ‘I can’t; the electric’s turned off..’
but if I liked, I could clean it instead.

I gave up and went for a walk in the park
Saddened; she’d not made a fuss
I was crossing the high street, caught up in my thoughts
When I got hit by the ‘92’ bus.