If I knew then what I know now; I.P.

Would I have had that Vindaloo
On the first date that I had with you
That nearly tore my arse in two
And stuck to the toilet bowl, like glue
Would I?

Would I have got you slightly pissed
Then gone to see ‘The Exorcist’
And had nose broke by giants fist
When you spewed like the diabolist?
Would I?

Would I have jumped out to surprise
With nothing on but garter ties?
My ‘hard on’ suffering quick demise
As did the smile in your mum’s eyes
Would I?

Would I have bought that bloody car
The green Cortina that looked a star
That I had planned to bring us far
But blew black smoke as thick as tar?
Would I?

Would I have dived off Margate’s pier
If I had seen them fishing near
To have my wedding tackle speared
The fish hooks buried in my gear
Would I?

Would I have hung that mistletoe
If I knew that you’d invited Jo
Who has huge tits, she loves to show
And chose to ‘Flash’ poor Father Rowe
Would I?

Would I have come home parched one night
And spied the drink in dusky light
Then gulped full glass of the fizzy shite
That cleans your fathers’ dentures white
Would I?

Would I have tried to mow the grass
If I had seen the broken glass
That shredded your next door neighbors arse
And neutered her dog as he did pass?
Would I?

No!!! I fucking well wouldn’t!