The Nativity - Sort of...

Good evening sir and welcome to the town of Bethlehem,
my hotel is the best you'll find; it really is a gem.
With facilities that would compare with anything in Rome;
our objective is to make you feel as if you were at home.

Well I'm just glad I got here and it really does seem class,
I can't wait to have a bath and wash the sand out of me arse.
The ass that I've been leading is as stubborn as a mule
and the donkey that she's sitting on 's a proper fuckin' tool.

Yes, well; the price of lodging here is two pieces of gold,
that includes, a plate of goat stew that, is only three days old.
The beds are large and comfortable, there's snake skin on the floor,
I'd list off other luxuries but I fear that I would bore.

Two gold pieces for this kip, do I look fuckin' thick?
Me name is Joe but not Joe Soap, you baldy little prick..
I just wanna place to sleep, I don't need fancy lace
I only want to rent a room, not buy the fuckin' place.

I'm sorry sir but the custom that we're used to here,
don't barter for a gold piece or consider it too dear.
I have a stable 'round the back, if that is more your style;
if you agree to clean the dung; stay rent-free a while.

Now your talking turkey mate, that makes more sense to me
but say nothin' to the missus about it being free.
I'll just tell her that you're full; that you don't have a bed.
If she finds out the truth of it, she'll have my fuckin' head.

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You must be bloody jokin' Joe; we're sleepin' in a stable?
I'd pull your fuckin' ears off boy, if only I was able.
Our son will be born – I can feel it – later on tonight
and the first thing that he'll see, will be a pile of donkey shite.

How do I always let myself, fall right into this trap?
I might have known, I'd get the blame and then catch all the crap.
It's not my fault the gaff is full, so make the best of it,
make a bed up in the corner, while I clean out the shit.

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Oh look Joe, he's so beautiful; he hasn't made a peep,
I'm just afraid that he'll get shit on by those bloody sheep.
He's got all the right bits and he's certainly no tyke;
he's hung just like that donkey, I wonder who's he's like?

Oh, ha-ha, very funny; are you takin' the piss?
Seeing's you don't know who screwed ya, it's a little hit and miss,
but he's certainly angelic, his eyes, they have that gleam;
the kind that wait 'til you're asleep, then fuck you in a dream!

Listen Dick-wad, don't go starting, that old jealous whine,
it might be right that he's not yours but he is surely mine.
Now hurry up and spread some fresh hay on this poxy floor,
to hide that bloody cow's piss; then see who's at the door.

It's some shepherds here, who say they've come to see the child;
I think one of them is using, cos his eyes look kind of wild.
He was following a star he said and fell into a drain;
my guess is Magic Mushrooms – and they've killed off half his brain.

Don't be thick Joe, let 'em in, where is your Jewish soul?
I swear sometimes, I think your tighter than a wild duck's hole!
At least they're glad to see him and you could take a page
straight out of their good book; and for fuck sake, act your age!

There are three more plebs out here,with camels, wearing crowns
the black guy says, that they're all kings but they look more like clowns.
One's got a tin of poofter juice that he calls Frankincense,
another reckons he's got gold – he does look like a fence!

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Cor, thank God that gang have gone; I thought they'd never go.
The bloke with 'Myhr' gave me the creeps, his eyes just seemed to glow.
Don't get ideas about that gold, cos there's no bloody fear
that you'll be going down the pub to celebrate with beer.

The thought, had never crossed my mind; I swear it - on my life!
I was only gonna to get some wine to give my lovely wife.
I know you must be tired; I just want to share the weight,
after all you are my lovey-dovey, really cool soul mate!

Yeah right! You lying dick, I know you couldn't give a toss
but I think that, we both are pretty sure, who is the boss.
Now get the gear together, you heard what the Magi said;
that bloody geezer Herod will be round here for your head.