Wibbly Wobbly Wonder

Leicester Square Roundabout
Soho.

Ms. Abbess
Convent Hill
Upper Privygash

Re: Wibbly Wobbly Wonder

Dear Ms. Abbess,

In reply to your letter of January 5th 2009, wherein you outlined your dissatisfaction with a product, purchased from this store on December 23rd 2008

The product sold to you: ‘One 14 inch Wibbly Wobbly Wonder (Black with Pink ribbing) Deluxe, rechargeable with mains adapter included’; clearly states on the enclosed instructions that it: SHOULD NOT BE USED UNDER WATER, WHILE ATTACHED TO THE MAINS SOCKET!

It is therefore with regret, that I have to inform you that the suppliers of this product (Rubbercock Ltd.) can take no responsibility for the resulting burns, hair loss, and/or electrical damage sustained by your good self and/or other members of your family; while playing in your Jacuzzi on Christmas Day.

Our sympathies do, of course, go out to you and your twelve sisters, particularly your Sister Aquinas. We sincerely regret the severe damage – apparently suffered by Aquinas to her ring. We respectfully suggest that your sister, bring her ring to an expert to have it stretched and/or beaten back into shape.

I am reliably informed by the manufacturers, that this product is engineered to rotate and vibrate. We (and they) are puzzled as to your description of your sister Ignatius’ ‘accident’. The product is not programmed for forward motion and so we fail to understand how it ‘...went off like a rocket and shot so far up her, that we didn’t know whether to call a doctor, vet or plumber!.’

I am further sorry to inform you that, we cannot be held liable for the accidental blinding of your eldest sister (name not supplied). This product was never intended for culinary use and while there may not be a definitive warning to that effect, it would be generally accepted that this product would not be suitable for stirring boiling porridge and could well be considered dangerous in this regard; particularly with the product on full speed (super-orgasmic not organic).

Please feel free to contact us at any time. If we can be of any assistance, we will endeavour to answer all queries.

Regards

Dick Large; manager.