Guns, Babies and Medicine

And how is your brother doing?  He went to university he took medicine. Sorry to hear, is he feeling better?

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Van der Merwe arrived in his grand limousine at the high school reunion rich as a king. He was the dumbest in class they asked him, “After school I started selling wire pliers to farmers for their fences, I bought them at R5 and sold at R8 each”, “and you would be amazed what a difference that 3% makes”.

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Uncle Scrooge stinking rich after a lifetime saving at last spared a religious pilgrimage to the holy land. He found a man on the lakeside with a row boat.

How much to the other side? Twenty pennies. What?? Sir, this is the Sea of Galilee here the master walked on water. “If that's what you charge it's no wonder he walked!”

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At the pearly gates St Peter met Dr Psyches and “we have a rule that no-one is allowed practice as doctor” but some time later he saw someone walking around with a stethoscope. He asked, and St Peter said “Oh, that's God he sometimes likes playing doctor”.

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I had a phone call from Heaven from the Chess Champ: There's a league match the 13th and I've got you on Board 2.

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An engineer landed up in the hot place and soon had a cooling system going and it got quite comfortable. From heaven they realised the mistake and said to Nick “we will sue you to send our engineer back”.

“And Where do you think you will find a lawyer?”

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Prof Einstein after a particularly long and boring lecture held in his honour declared “I have just discovered a new theory of eternity”.

“To punish me for my contempt for authority, God made me an authority myself”.

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In the days of the cold war in Russia a worker was in a factory making prams. His wife became pregnant they were poor and so he smuggled out the parts for the pram one by one. But he said, no matter how he put the pieces together it always ended up a machine gun.

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This guy was known to have something good to say about anybody. The devil? “Well I can say one thing, “he doesn't have a lazy hair on his head”.

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The dude uses statistics like a drunk uses a lamppost– for support rather than illumination. Like the statistician who on the way back from the pub drowned in a lake of average depth 12cm.