Isolated

I have seen almost nobody for years now it is just me, and my brother. Just my brother and the man who cleans and works in the garden once a week I see the cafe sometimes, always pleasant. Some family now and then but seldom. There have not been holidays and no outings.

The streets here are not safe people avoid them. It feels like I am under house arrest it's not healthy. As far as I am concerned this isolation is not of my own doing.

Years and years now it feels like life is just slipping by, Abctales and writing is the saving grace and lately mathematics again. I have watched a terrific amount of movies average say maybe two a day. 

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I would say we are doing well here under circumstances but he does get out regularly for shopping and that and I just sit here. One great thing is we have both given up smoking and been sober for very long. That really helps.

I've been writing my dreams down for over a year now. It is all about all kinds of people, people I knew. Often I dream of writing exams but I don't have the time table and dates, or driving a motorcar but it is dark I can't see, or the brakes have failed.

The only real meaning and prospect is a girlfriend I haven't seen for more than 16 years. My hope is mostly on her, and holidays and of working and having some income. Some people think I'm insane, these ones really would like to believe so they are welcome.

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At least at the halfway house there were lots of friends I miss that place. It was a safe home there was structure and activities they kept you busy and we had regular meals, good health care, even outings. Those people were very kind and you have a good measure of freedom. It was actually very nice you know. Even the hospital itself but you don't want to get stuck in these places.

I think my brother could do much better with private care he is having a lot of trouble with the operation wound and an inflamed colon. He never complains but I think he suffers. He seems to be getting worse he is not well physically. That might mean I will be here alone again. I will cope. Have to.

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Well our basic needs are seen to here and we get our necessary psychiatric treatment, as far as that is concerned it is going well. Surprisingly. We do our things, chores and cooking and groceries cooking washing and all that. But if we need something it feels like begging. And you know stuff breaks. Fortunately we do have a car but I am not allowed to drive.

I'm not getting nearly enough exercise and have put on weight. We listen to a lot of radio mostly music and news, no TV, nothing lost there. No newspapers but my brother keeps up to date with the news on the internet.

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So the days just go by, having become steadily more isolated and alone. There is my brother but I don't think that is so healthy either only me and him for company. I have no email friends. No chatroom nothing. I think actually prefer it that way. Nobody comes to visit and no telephone calls. It is only Abc. That's it. Anything I write is in the open where anyone can see and judge for themselves.

One gets a lot of time to think I came to understand some things which used to really puzzle me. I know things I didn't know I knew. Things my father told me for example. We talked more than people think.

There was especially one mental health professional with insight and compassion understood a mind like a razor. Helped me out of a  very bad state at least once. I often think about things he said I only understand now. The time is ripe.

I have known brilliant people, but most extraordinary are those that are balanced and sober of mind it is not common. You think of Shakespeare for example.

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We have been hoping for my mother's inheritance but there is no news. It can't be that complicated just me and my brother, split halfway. It's been more than six years since she passed. We should by rights inherit quite a lot I believe my mother made ample provision and well more, the estate cannot be that complicated. We are the only heirs.

We would gladly put the house in a trust and have a trustee to see to our finances but not family. Also even now, after 16 years I have not had any compensation from the university.

There is still the hope, a prospect becoming vague, to return to my Alma Mater campus and working again earning some income.

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If you are interested you can read more about my story in this set, The Ivory Tower.

www.abctales.com/collection/ivory-tower