Blue tarpaulin

By torscot

Mon, 18 Jan 2016
  • 1917 reads
6 comments
 

As Mike awaits the return telephone call he swivels and tilts his chair back to study the gathering storm clouds through a dirt smeared window...

 

 

 

Removed for a rewrite following Blackjack's advice, a new version in the pipe line

 

Certificate 15
Story

Comments

Submitted by blackjack-davey on

interesting snapshot but I would remove quite a few of the adjectives and descriptive phrases. The verbs are al active and exciting but if you look at the italicized examples below some words do the same thing

 

"His gaze falls to the property across the street, a drab neglected building topped with a tangled mass of weeds sprouting from broken gutters, the resident gulls squabbling over food scraps scavenged from the rubbish strewn pavements below.

Occasionally the building explodes into colour as pop up tenants appear touting for business.

The latest must have bargains in vivid garish colours lighting up windows in flashing neon.

Promotions over they move off elsewhere, their brief stay marked with red flyers promising desires plastered on the walls.

Below in the door recess, a street cleaner removes the shreds of a cardboard bed and sweeps away the remnants of a last supper.

 

Submitted by torscot on

Thank you Blackjack for the excellent feed back your time out in reading this sad ( true) story.

I have taken your advice and removed the wording as you have suggested plus relegated the seagulls to street level and a few other changes.  So I hope all reads much better.

Thanks again and kind regards regards

torscot

Submitted by celticman on

yeh, we've all been on that ledge. 

 

Submitted by torscot on

Thanks for comment celticman

Following Blackjacks suggestions I edited the surplus adjectives.

Since the last suicide the council had barriers installed, sadly the railway bridge is on offer as an alternative.

ps. I hope you have never been tempted to follow the blue tarpaulin.

Regards.

 

 

torscot

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Such a sad scene to view, must be so traumatic for train drivers caught up in incidents too. The dilapidation of the scene reflects the state of depression. If only talk could have helped … Rhiannon

 

Submitted by torscot on

A late thanks to you for reading and commenting Rhiannow.

As you say it is a sad and all too frequent scene

 

 

torscot