LIST, THE

Today I awoke, head cloudy with drink.
Not for the first time, not for the last.
Visions appear, slowly, vividly, embarrassingly.
Stomach turns and churns disapprovingly.

Time is irrelevant, but it passes.
Inevitable truths make me wonder,
How can I change what is,
Without changing what will be?

This routine is less than irrational,
As my spirit, once again, is pillaged.
Soon I shall prepare for tomorrow's despair,
Waking, wondering, remembering.

How many times have I laid back?
Head lost in memory, seeking out faces.
Remembering conversations,
Remembering occasions.

The first few times were special,
They were experiences.
Each one, although different and somehow individual,
Were inexplicably, all the same.

I shall not cry, for I cannot.
I feel hardened and unemotional, but mortal.
So many things, etched into my mind.
The uncertainty of life breaks down barriers,
But reality, builds up more.

I know their names; I could write a list.
Though I would rather not; for fear it grows.