Life On The Inside

I am lonely. Not so much on the ouside, but on the inside you know?
I worry all day and all night about the littlest things. Am I doing it
right? Am I making a mistake? I have to make decisions about people's
lives and I'm not sure I'm up to it.

I ask people. I ask and check with people all the time, but I'm like a
lost soul wandering through the netherworld trying to figure out where
I am from all the different shades of grey. I have friends. But there
not here, not now. There's no-one to back me up. I'm out on a limb and
I am scared.

I know I chose all this and I stand by that decision. I'm doing the
right thing.

The right thing. That makes me laugh. Like I'm some sort of martyr. But
sometimes I feel like that.

Why me? Why is it always me that has to do the hard stuff? I'm a mug
that's why. Ruled by my emotions, not by my brain. No-one in their
right mind would live this life at my age. Cut off from everything fun
- from parties and pubs and Christ....just young people.

I'm surrounded by death and decay. All I've got to think about is the
end of life. That's what a retirement home is. Like that programme
'Waiting for God'. Well sometimes I feel like that too and I just want
to scream.

Someone asked me something recently that really cut deep - who would
support me when I needed it? Who was there to hold me or just cheer me
up? I've cut myself off from the world and I didn't even notice.

I realised I'd be alone when I took this on. But with all the people
here I never believed it could feel this lonely.

I am angry too. I'm angry at life for forcing this on me.

I'm not strong enough to cope for much longer. I am afraid I'll get
emotionally crushed, live life through bitter eyes as I watch the world
decompose around me.

I can't shake the smell of it. Death.

I need to feel truly alive again. I'm just stagnating here, trapped by
my own conscience. I want to live. I want to love.

I need to be free.

I'm tired of living life on the inside. I want to go out.