The Untold Story of a Grim Reaper: Chapter 21.1: Jessup

My throat knotted, I couldn’t make but a whimper, “That’s impossible.” Camilla looked at me, her face contorted with sadness and frustration. I repeated myself, “That is impossible… I… I…”

Camilla retorted, “You? What?!”

I would have been called to collect the soul. I would have known before all of them. Aaron could not have committed suicide. It’s impossible. But above all lies, above all the untruth in her statement… it all ended with Aaron dead. Aaron is dead. Someone killed him. Someone is making it look like a suicide.

Camilla broke me from my thoughts, “This isn’t about you!”

I looked her in the eyes, the air between us became slow and thick, Camilla shrunk from the intensity of my stare. I asked calmly, “Who told you it was a suicide?”

In a softer tone, Camilla responded, “Lilli… Lilli has been telling everyone.”

I turned around, I felt this pit swell under my ribcage, like a black hole sinking in all of what kept me standing.

I let my head lean forward as I marched ahead, over exaggerating the sensation of how dangerous I felt. I needed to find Lilli.I had to confront her, this was not a suicide. My friend was dead and I had no idea where his soul could be but I knew it was not where it should.

My steps were loud and my stance was heavy. The students avoided me and I was not swayed form my b-line to find Lilli. When I reached the center of the school it was easy to find her. Clumps of sympathetic students, clamoring around her giving words of comfort and wisdom. Lilli stood in the center, breathing unnatural breaths to fake a grieving heart.

Her face was wet, how she got her face to look so puffy from fake crying was something I’ll never know. But it disgusted me. My nostrils were flared as I forced heavy breaths to calm myself down.

I should have been there for Aaron. He asked me not to leave. I should have just stayed. No worse an ending could have been this. If I had only known. But there’s no way I could have. This wasn’t a suicide. I can’t underestimate Lilli. She’s obviously planned this out. But she can’t underestimate me either. 

I parted the sea of students and made myself the only thing Lilli could pay attention to, I planted myself where she couldn’t avoid me.

With fake sobs in her tone, “I’m sure you’ve heard about what happened to Aaron.” She dramatically covered her mouth and made eye contact with the students surrounding me. 

Their expressions were all of true mourning.

I spat back, my voice cold and rigid, “What happened?”

She whimpered, “Aaron killed himself last night. In his note he said he just couldn’t stand being alone anymore.”

I stepped closer to her, my volume was unapologetic, “You are a liar.”

She uncovered her hair from her face, “What do you mean,” she interrupted me before I made a response, her volume couldn’t be ignored, “I’m not the one who rejected him.”

The passerby’s conversations became muted and their discrete stares weren’t so discrete. 

Lilli continued, “And to think, if you hadn’t moved here Aaron might still be alive.”

What had I done? She had been playing me this whole time… but for what? To what end is this plan of hers?

I ended with a whisper that only she could hear, “I will expose you.”

She smiled under her hand, “I enjoy a good game.”

I snapped forward, inches from her face, everyone watching flinched, “This isn’t a game.”

Lilli deeply responded, her eyes smiled, “But you’ve already made your first move.” She stepped back and looked around to the bystanders, looking back at me she ended, “This is tough on all of us. Don’t take your frustration out on me.”

The disapproving glares meant nothing to me, they didn’t know the full story and I wasn’t going to feel shame over their assumptions but I was going expose Lilli for the witch she was. 

Aaron, my friend, he told me he was scared. He asked me to stay. If I had only stayed, then this unexplainable ending wouldn’t need to be consuming any peace I might have seen for myself. 

My peace of mind…. Mine… I winced at my selfishness. Aaron’s peace was lost to the clutches of Lilli’s game. Aaron was the one who left this world with a pair of hateful eyes scaring away any peace he deserved. 

Aaron did not commit suicide. I kept reassuring myself… I would have had to have been there to collect his soul… so if I didn’t… how did Lilli?

I spotted Senoi marching alone through the grief stricken corridors. The solemn nature of it all weighed heavy in the air. Senoi made eye contact with me and the shaking of his head didn’t reassure me of any clarity to this tragedy. 

Standing in the midst of the world’s deceit and sorrow and watching the grief drag on everyone’s shoulders gave me another open window that exposed another part of them. 

It’s so easy to neglect and persecute up until an irreversible consequence comes to light. That’s when we realize that what we do counts. What we do has an effect. What we do can change lives for the best and for the worst.

We live in a world of backstabbers and thieves but as soon as our consequences have a face we look at all we’ve done and ask ourselves why we aren’t better people. 

We are taught to treat others the way we would like to be treated but, in all honesty, we don’t treat our own selves well at all. But we can’t handle that. So we take out the frustrations we have on ourselves to the weak and expect the lies to satisfy.

“Noa? Noa?” I finally snapped from my euphoria and paid attention to the news I dreaded receiving from Senoi. He clutched my shoulder and murmured, “I have to pay a visit to the Tombs, I think you should come with me.”

“Is that allowed?”

“It is if it will prove to them that Aaron’s soul is not where it should be. He could be facing charges for something he didn’t do.”

This reality sunk my shoulders and made me nauseous. 

Aaron might be sentenced to an unfair trial all because of my negligence… all because of my mistakes… my stupidity.

I asked, “But God wouldn’t let that happen. God wouldn’t let an innocent soul be sentenced in this way.”

“No, the Creator wouldn’t let that happen. That’s why the Creator has me and my brothers. I’m going to the Tombs now, you should come with me. We can try to clear this up and soon everything will be right.”

I shouted, “Nothing is right about this! This could never be right! Even if we prove that it wasn’t a suicide, that it was a murder! Nothing could ever be right again! Aaron is gone!”

Senoi tenderly took my hand, wisely and slowly responding, “I know how hard this must be for you.” I retracted my hand and growled in frustration. He didn’t break from his kind tone, “You have to trust me though, I will do everything I can to make this turn out the best for Aaron. But I can’t bring him back, you can’t be angry at me for that.”

I relaxed my contorted face and muscles, exposing a posture of defeat. Wanting Senoi to reassure me with his touch, to ignite a flame in me, so that the smoke would suffocate my bleeding heart, “I know Lilli had something to do with this.”

Senoi crossed his arms, “That will be nearly impossible to prove, Noa.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“No, I do… it’s just that… she’s suspected to be a part of something much bigger than any of this, any of us! It’s been said that there’s a traitor amongst those who run the Tombs. That someone has been helping her get away with all of her crimes. Daemons over decades have been trying to expose her but somehow she slips out of it.” 

“What is she working towards?”

Senoi was nervous, “I can’t say, even mentioning it could bring upon it’s beginning.”

I shook my head, pushing my hair back I responded, “I can’t believe this. With everything that’s been piling up around her, worlds falling a part, and some how she’s benefiting from it.”

Senoi sighed and adjusted his satchel, “You coming with me or not?”

I glared, “Oh, I’m coming with you.” 

As frustrated as I was with Senoi, I wanted more than anything to be back with him in my backyard, talking about all the ways the world was good. I gravitated towards and trusted Senoi in a way that made my heart tense… and I think that’s why I began to reject him.

“Can I come with?” Phoebe stood several feet behind us, “Please, let me come with.”

Senoi shook his head, “No, it’s already trouble bringing Noa.”

I nodded, “He’s right, Phoebe. I need you to stay here and try to find Salvatore, I think he has something to do with this.”

Phoebe didn’t like our commands but complied, “Fine, whatever you two say.”

We sunk into the shadows of the hushing sand. Within the House of Oblivion, Senoi did the same motion as before when he was with his brothers, he grabbed at the air and it ripped away like cloth. The light that shined through burned to look at.

He motioned for me to follow as he stepped through the tear. Approaching closer to the light began to burn my skin. From the darkness into the light I came to a moment of peace but it fled from me as my body became paralyzed. 

Hands pressed to my sides, heels together, and chin forced to the sky my every bone was aligned perfectly. I couldn’t shut my eyes. I felt my flesh harden and I tried to scream to try to release the pressure of this burn but no sound produced. 

The noise of crumbling rocks came from my skin and it felt like someone was chiseling at me with a rusty dagger. The sound was of scrapping metal as I felt my bones hallow out. With my eyes shot towards the endless light I tried to blink, scream, squirm away. I couldn’t look down no matter how hard I tried. Like a tea kettle over boiling, the crescendo of a whistle filled my ears and ended with a final crack.

I didn’t realize I had lifted from the ground until I dropped the four feet. I landed on my feet strong and without a flinch. I blinked a few times and took in my surroundings, wondering what had changed. What had happened?

“I’m sorry, I forgot to warn you this would happen.”

I turned towards the sound of Senoi’s voice. I met his dark eyes and realized, either he became shorter or I became taller. Senoi’s eyes traveled up and down my body.

I looked down at my body and saw what I had become. Hands, feet, arms, legs, abdomen of dark coal and etched in my course flesh were indentions of symbols I didn’t understand. Written in a dull red, the scribbles paraded around my body. 

I looked back at Senoi and confirmed to myself that I must have grown at least two feet taller than him. I couldn’t imagine what my face looked like. 

Turning side to side also made me aware that my wings were out and proud, going from the size of a small van to the size of a semi truck. The darkness of them was celestial.

Confused I turned to Senoi, “I don’t understand.”

He took my hand, “This is your true self. This is who you are now.”

I gazed back down at myself and wanted to find an escape from it, this animal, this beast… this death had changed me, but I refused to let it define me. I felt the monsters within me relish in the strength of my current stature. 

I snapped my head back to Senoi and demanded, “Take me to Ardith.”

Senoi nodded, “Way ahead of you.” 

He pointed up and I was taken off guard by the familiar face staring me down from her gold podium. Ardith pointed her thin finger at Senoi and curled it back, obviously only wanting to speak with him. She didn’t look too pleased to see me. Senoi squeezed my arm to reassure me that he’d handle it.

I awkwardly stood on the dull, white-gold brick platform and watched all the harmonious chaos play out before me. Human like creatures danced around each of the platforms. Organizing scrolls and jars from shelf to shelf. Looking up, I saw the infinite shelves of information, of knowledge, of truth sprinkled across this world. Every answer, every question blanketed across a landscape of forgotten light. A light that couldn’t imitate itself on earth to a mortal. 

The beings organizing it all were the same as Phoebe, exactly the same in features and in clothing. With their eyes constantly shut, they swam around each other without a fumble or a mistake. Not once did I see one peek while working. I assumed these were Taunts.

At my feet I noticed dancing petals breath and play leapfrog around the dusty landscape. The happy medium of winter and summer was bred here. All layers of life pushed and pulled in every nook and cranny. 

The smell of this place was like nothing I’d ever experience. And I swear, every once and a while, a color would gleam off the shelves. A color not recognizable by the mortal world, a color I couldn’t even begin to describe. Describing it in mortal words would be an insult.

And with all the beauty, all of the purity making so much sense and peace, I felt out of place. Not a shadow in sight… except for me… I was the unwanted shadow of this place. I looked down at my dusky, dark hands and felt I didn’t belong. My rigid fists balled and the inscriptions intruding my body whispered that this was a home that I was not welcomed in. A choir in my head screamed that I was inadequate to this place… and that I might never belong to it.

Looking back at Senoi and Ardith speaking I grew impatient and frustrated. All I wanted was to free my friend. I stomped one foot, the petals around me pushed aside. 

I demanded, “Tell me what needs to be done to set things straight. You can’t just leave me in the dark about this. You can’t make me feel like I don’t belong.”

Ardith peered over her shoulder and a rusty frown tilted to the right side of her face. Clearing her throat she placed one hand on Senoi’s shoulder. 

Softly but with a harsh ting she claimed, “I have your signature on his suicide. There is nothing I can do if you signed off on it.”

I slapped my hand on my thigh in frustration, “Signature?”

She stepped from her higher platform, Senoi remained with head held high and posture erect. He was on business. 

Ardith handed me a pocket-sized book and pointed with a pen to the brown page, “Right here, Jessup was sent here by your hand.”

I swiped the book from her hand and chucked it across the platform, hitting the shelves and filling the air with clinking and clashes, “His name is not Jessup.”

Ardith’s eyes locked with mine and it was a staring contest. The intensity of our scrunched brows hung low over our squinting eyes. To me, accepting him as Jessup was accepting his death. And for Ardith to ask me to refer to him by the name he wasn’t ready to receive, broke my heart.

She raised a hand in the air, I thought she was going to slap me, but from the mess of broken jars she summoned the book and it briskly recollected itself back into her fist. She reopened it and pointed again. 

Taking caution to my temper, she continued, “Right here, you signed off with the scythe that you delivered,” she bit her lip, “Aarons,” she glared at me from under her spectacles, “soul to the sanctuary.”

I stepped back, “I don’t know anything about this because I didn’t deliver his soul.”

She slammed the book shut, “Then how else would someone have your scythe to sign of for it? I have no record of a transfer, this is a full fledged a suicide reapers insignia.”

My question blurted from me faster than I thought of it, “Where is Aaron now?”

She folded the book under her arm, “Time and space move differently here, so in telling you where he is, he will already be somewhere else.”

Senoi interrupted, “Ardith, please.” 

Ardith turned around abruptly and Senoi shrunk back. Ardith huffed and mumbled to herself as she trumped back to her podium. She threw the book in air and without a second lost a Taunt caught it and swiftly placed it on its appropriate shelf. Ardith situated herself back in her official position and rubbed her eyes from under her monocle.

She sighed before speaking, “I know accepting the death of your friend can be difficult. But know he’s not being punished he’s just being placed.”

I rebelled, “How is placement not punishment? How is what you all are putting me through not a punishment? I’m sorry for killing myself, I’m sorry for being a horrible person, I’m sorry… just undo this mistake.” 

Ardith softly guided her hand on the podium, “You think that’s what the Creator wants to hear? And I’m sorry? You think the Creator wants you to ask for forgiveness? Keep your apologies, no one wants them. What you need to do to get out of purgatory is something you haven’t even thought of. Many things bring the living to take their own lives, the sin is not in the act… but your lack of… it’s how you treat…” she brought her hands to her side, “I’ve said too much. You must leave.”

Defeated, “Fine.”

Ardith ended with, “Now, Senoi, take Noa back.”

Senoi bowed his head, “Yes, Ardith.”