15th September 2006

So, I'm one week into giving up the herb.

It's not that I want to give up ' it's because my girlfriend wants me to give up, as she thinks it is unhealthy. She also doesn't like the dark-rings around my eyes.

That's all well & good, but what else can I do? Drink booze? I don't think so¦ it gives me headaches. It's alright for her, seeing as she's been a booze freak since her early-twenties. I try telling her that booze is just as harmful as cocaine & heroin, but she's not having any of it.

Anyway, this has definitely been the worst day so far.

I was woken up at 5.30am by my 8-month old cat licking my ever diminishing hair-line. I was woken again at 6am, 6.28am, 6.46am, 7.05am, 7.35am by my eager cat, adamant that a good hair licking is the best start of the day for me.

Once fully awake, I feed the moggy & start preparing for a meeting I have at 11am.

I turn the computer & printer on & start printing out some documentation that I require for said meeting. Simba (the cat) decides that she doesn't want me printing stuff out & promptly jumps on the printer & somehow turns it off. I growl, push her off the printer & turn it back on again. She meows a couple of times & starts running around my apartment, chasing 'mock mice'.

The printer starts churning out a few pages. Simba tries a different tactic. She jumps onto my laptop & somehow turns that off.

'FOR FUCKS SAKE SIMBA!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!'

I've got to start all again. Simba runs around chasing the mice again.

After about 45 minutes of Simba trying to revert the printer from 'print' to 'scan' mode, I finally get my documentation printed.

Now, I've got to send an email out.

The feline fuckwit turns the computer off again.

!@#$%^&*(():?>|){|}{":?>?!@#$%$%^&*(())L||||oojujj:+_}(**&&^^%%$###@@!?>

Somehow my cat has changed the settings on my computer. I no longer can get a quotation mark ' (as attempted above).

' ' Found it¦

'Simba ' just fuck off' I said to her sternly.

'Meow' she replied proudly.

I finally got the email sent out & prepared myself for the meeting.

I sell/support a particularly unwell known Accountancy System & have set up this meeting with a client, so as I can demonstrate some wonderful new features of the package, in an attempt at getting a few consultancy days.

(I've also invited a 'reseller', who has vowed to take China by storm with my Accountancy package).

We arrive at my clients office & are all herded into their boardroom.

I turn my laptop on ' attempt to access the system & can't.

'Bollocks'

I try a multitude of different ways to get access. No joy.

'BOLLOCKS!!! SIMBA YOU BASTARD!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???'

The meeting changes from me 'demo'ing my system to my client 'demo'ing his system. I feel like a fool & start to feel the need for a big fat bifter.

I promise to my client that I'll get my technical problems sorted out & rearrange the meeting for next week.

Next, I'm off to my resellers office, as they've had trouble installing the system onto their servers.

Needless to say, I once again fail in my goal of getting the system installed on their servers. The error messages tell me that it's something to do with licence keys. That's too technical for a herbivore like me, so I promise my reseller that I'll get a new key sent over from the UK.

We pop out for a lunch of fried rice & noodles, then I make my way back home.

On arrival, Simba greets me with a chorus of meows. I feed her ' she tries to lick my head ' I push her away ' she tries to lick my head again.

'FUCK OFF!!!!'

I telephone my girlfriend to tell her of the days events. She's tucked up in bed at her apartment.

'It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon?'

'I know. I told my boss that I was going out to meet a client & decided to go home & have a sleep.'

'Fairplay. Enjoy yourself then.'

With that, there is a flurry of phone calls/emails to my parent company in the UK telling them of my demise & asking for help.

I receive a lot of helpful advice & solutions, but am too depressed to consider trying to put their solutions into action. That can wait until a sunny day.

I've got the urge now to phone up my Nepali friend, who will supply me with 10 grams of the drug that helps me forget.

'No. I can't do it. I have to try & not smoke herb.'

I decide to watch a few episodes of South Park. (I had previously purchased a DVD box set containing every episode of South Park from China for approximately £25).

South Park isn't as funny when you're sober, although it beats watching all the other shite that you get on TV in Hong Kong.

At 6.30pm, I receive a phone call from my girlfriend telling me she is going to get her haircut, so we won't meet tonight.

'Hmmmm. An ideal opportunity to get some herb in¦'

Simba licks my head again.

I decide not to do it & spend the rest of the night wallowing in self pity, straight South Park viewing & fighting off the ever advancing Lick Master.