Mad about living

I am going mad.Cannot be true. I am mad.Well have been.I feel so crazed I don-t know whether I am alive because I was mad, Being mad turns life upside down.I am average mad.
It is winter and I am not happy. Imagine if my teenageson felt so obliged to pick up the phone, were i to call!
I know this man. Not any everyday guy.Rather cherrypicked by Mother Nature.I am not woman enough for him so I am going to write me outa the misery.Forever until I die. I have been so ill that I had no idea what love was until I almost died from it.I just kept on dreaming and dreaming not doing anything. What was I supposed to? Annie Lennox sings:- Better to have lost in love than never have loved at all. But I want to love him and be loved by him.But I think I ruined it all, I don't know really.When he gives me a hug it feels so warm and secure. Not even my father could do that. And I loved my father.
I am listening to Sarah Brightman's album Timeless. I have just spent a fortune on a double and a single CD with Amy Winehouse.
I'm cracking up for sure. I declared him my love and then everything went wrong. We hardly knew each other.
At the bottom of a frozen lake are crystals of ice and inside the crystals are the memories you let die.I have so many memories.Right now i am right here.
I have just moved from one island to another.
I had lived there for 30 years.Sounds like a long time.
Couldn't be bothered to go the store yet. I need some cigarets.
I feel so alone and I do not know what to do- I am so confused. "show me how to love you"..da da. It must be like knowing you always will come back to me.And loving you would be giving you your freedom,no shackles and chains.I am going to be right here 'cause I like it.
Analyse:-I I I have no idea what to do now. So...
I'll go for a walk.In the thin layer of snow.Yes..
No snow but very cold and a bit windy.
lit a candle so I can see the tabs.Besides it is very cosy with candles.
And they do illuminate.
Through the past 10 years i have lost touch. With much. Lately I have even lost touch with happiness and joy (my teenboy...)!
I tell you: I will never allow love to walk out my door.It will be in my house as long as I or my kindred live here.
We have a view. It is a view that you can't lace with an ace.I can see they sky ay night and when starlit-sure does it's bit.
The gulls fly by and during late autumn geese towards south;crows, a couple of predators-what else? When I look down I can even see a squirrel.I usually have my glasses on otherwise everything seems double?
There is a slight number of young trees between the block and the path towards town.on the way there is the sportsstadion, the library and some or other school for teens.
I have been to the Library a couple of times and got a message that they are holding a book for me. I know which one it is. there is another i should have picked up before New year.They are both written by Harold Robbins;-The Dream merchant and never Love a stranger.
I was in a very strange mood the day I ordered them.
I was dubious. You can be.
After I moved down here 3 months ago, a lot has happened.So much.I am not happy. because some things have gone astray. I gotta believe.
I can't see into the future but i am hoping and praying. I wish i were a catholic. i have wished so for years.
I would rather say 100 hail mary's than get a pill pushed down my throat. of course it doesn't happen that way but you have very few alternatives. It is as though you are compelled.
I still take sedatives.And one anti-psychotic. i will probably take taht one forever. When my stepmother died i took a bottle of seasick tablets.
A bit crazy.I had an excruciating headache for about 24 hrs before i was allowed to have a headache-pill.They let me sleep in the observation room. The first thing the doctor said after waking me in the morning, was;- How about a bit of lust for life?(Massive Attack-methinks),Hell I was experiencing the most mind,soul crushing twisted alien thoughts that I did not comprehend and never have since then. All i can say is thatI try to tell myself that the impossiblity of this being a solo experience was redeeming but nevertheless painful.I actually did not believe it. i didn't, would not accept it was happening to me. i did not and i stress-did not wish it for anybody on the entire surface of the earth.
I better stay on my own. i am not mature enough to cope with being a the cherrypicked man's woman.
To tell the truth-what?
Now I am coming to a standstill.
So insecure at 64. But my god I would love some care and attention and a firm embrace.
This is the way I feel.Not unusual for us imperfect humanbeings. Then you have to be very cynical.Impossible.
Got chicken between me teeth.
The last thing he said before he cut me off the line was:- You ought to have a treatmentjudgement.
I was thinking..he needed treatment fullstop.
Well..this is so lovely. I think , I thought we had reached the pits but this comment just hit the nail on the head.All this must cease. i am not calling him or sending messages, nothing until we both have reached sensibility.
i have been an aching pain.A heartcrushing apprentice.I did not mean too. I was going crazy with love and hurting and throwing dirt and hurt. I was missing my heart.I was missing him. I was missing harmony. I was so bad that i must have lost my mind for a while there.
I really regret it.Now i have to let time do the work and just want to sit around and wait. I do not feel inspired. I have reat difficulty in believing.I didn't even believe him when he said,- believe me.
Can't I take a break?
Why did I not believe in him. Why did i not believe him?
My soulmate says it is because his heart is split in two-hate and love of women.
So I went into the thinking box and analysed. It was very fruitfull but that is another story.