Diner
By writesdown stuff
- 2091 reads
Note: This story originally posted on Saturday, November 24th 2012. By way of explanation, it wasn't long after that, life got in the way, as it sometime does,and I'll do it tomorrow, became the norm, (view that posted picture) and since there's not one of us who knows, how many tomorrows are on the books, (well most of us anyway) it's time I got off my butt, and get cracking.
Its been seven years, give or take a month or two,or three, since I've posted on ABC; I didn't realize until recently,how much I missed this. For the record, I have no plans on just reposting old material, and I will critque; that said - however, there are a couple of stories (we all have our favorites) I would like to present to members, former, new, undecided, and Etc
A Fresh copy,and fresh outlooks; comments good, bad, or indifferent, are more than welcome.
Both stories were well received, however as I reviewed them, I think, folks (editors) (Santa, the Easter bunny, Jack Frost) were generous. I found a mistakes, primarily with punctuation. I found Tautology, passive this, not passive that, dangling whatever, and a slew of ives, is'ms, and the list goes on. In my defense, and everyone else, they weren't horrible, just needed some TLC… Keith
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As I entered the joint, I saw him sitting on the barstool; hunched; over his drink, both hands wrapped around the chipped, ceramic mug. His eyes were fixed, glazed; he needed a shave... His clothes were shabby, and filthy between the wrinkles. I resisted the impulse to walk over to him. Better to wait.
He gave no sign that he saw me, but I knew better. Even in his deteriorated state, I knew those bloodshot eyes had sized me up the moment I walked through the door. I picked a booth and sat down where I could watch my mark watching me.
The waitress, apron stained with ketchup and grease, sauntered over. She was chewing and snapping gum like the world was going to end tomorrow. Maybe it would, that wasn't my call. I gave her my order. She swiped at the table with a dishrag, which looked blacker than my mood, then walked away. She swung her caboose like it was a thing to behold. Frankly I wouldn’t have recommended that to anyone I liked, but then again I don’t, like anyone.
A fly buzzed and then landed on the table. I couldn’t help thinking it was probably the best thing on the menu. So I let it live.
The joint wasn’t exactly jumping, and counting the fly, there were only four of us.
I glanced up and saw the mark watching me. He was staring straight ahead at the stainless backdrop. It was filthier than the floor if that was possible. But, through the crud there was enough shine left for him to see me sitting in my booth; me and the fly.
I let my hand slip down to my jacket pocket. I felt it through the fabric, waiting. The waitress had returned; she dropped the plate she was carrying onto the table and stared at me, waiting for approval. I didn’t give any. She flounced and bounced her way back to the kitchen.
The fly hopped eagerly onto the plate’s edge and then dipped his head into the viscous brown fluid I supposed was gravy. He shook his head in disgust and took off.
The man got up. He dropped two bucks on the counter and made his way to the door. I was up before he reached it; my hand had already pulled it from my jacket pocket. He stepped back and snarled. I slapped the envelope into his hand.
“Served and witnessed.”
The Waitress was gone but there were three of us still present. He crumpled the envelope, tossed it on the floor, then brushed past me and slammed his way out the door. I hate this job, but a buck is a buck, right? I placed a fin on the counter, pushed open the door and stepped out into the warm afternoon sun.
The fly followed me out.
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Comments
I enjoyed the hardboiled
I enjoyed the hardboiled nature of it. And the funny lines. You've got 'sized up' in the first and second paragraphs. I would add some specificity. What town are they in? Give the mark a name. Give him a name and we want to know who he is, what's the connection between the two....
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Welcome back to ABC Tales!
I enjoyed this very much. The wry humour really works, together with the building up of tension and then the subverting of expectation at the end. I didn't feel I needed to know any more about the narrator and the mark. For me it was a nicely developed snapshot. The bit about the fly at the end, as well as being funny, also gave a feeling of the narrator's story still going on, somewhere, which is what you want from a short piece.
That's not to say that there isn't plenty of scope for more about this narrator - it's a good set up for a series of stories!
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I enjoyed the humours way you
I enjoyed the humours way you summed up your characters, the image of the fly with its distaste for the brown stuff and the waitress chewing and snapping gum like there was no tomorrow.
Clear descriptions make for a great story.
Jenny.
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Very 'Chandleresque' (is
Very 'Chandleresque' (is there such a word.)
Really enjoyed this. Could the fly star in other stories?
Lindy
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I'm pushing for the Goldbach
I'm pushing for the Goldbach Conjecture. First one to solve it gets a Blue Cherry.
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