Is this a good start for a story?

By x-one-simple-word-x

Fri, 01 Aug 2008
  • 1579 reads
8 comments
 

(writer: Is this a good start for a story?)

I felt hands close around my throat, strong hands, pulling me under the water. I tried to scream, to shout for help, but the water was above my head, filling my mouth and lungs. I could hear my self gagging, but it was a faraway sound like it was happening to someone else. Then my world slowly blackened, starting at the edges and creeping its way in. I knew then that I was going to die.

(writer: i was going to put this next)

Fawn sat up drenched in sweat, and immediately banged her head on the low shelf that ran above her bed. Rubbing the newly formed bruise, she looked around remembering the terrible dream.

Certificate U
Help Me
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by mykle on
It seems okay to me, X, although, to be pedantic, I'm not sure bruises form that fast. Welcome to ABC and good luck with your story.

Submitted by sabital on
Hi X, I think you need to give us more to go off. One thing you need to decide on is if the story is going to be told by the first person as in the first paragraph or narrated by the author as in the second paragraph. Welcome to ABC anyway.

Submitted by chuck on
Welcome. It's interesting but the switch from first to third person could make for problems down the road.

Submitted by x-one-simple-word-x on
ok thanks, we will see, The first bit is in her head, so she is telling that part, but the rest will be told by the norrator.. Will this work? X

Submitted by chuck on
There are ways to clarify who's speaking/thinking. Keep it simple seems to work best. I'm a fan of John Barth so I often use multiple surrogates and narrators and usually get myself in a mess.

Submitted by tcook on
I think that the old 'dream thing' is so over played that it gives me and, I suspect, many others an awful feeling of deja vu as soon as you see it. Originality is what we all seek!

Submitted by elzwivluv on
i think is a good start but that you should reword the section after she wakes up as it doesn't seem quite as well thoughtout as the initial idea. but very very good!! Elz xx

Submitted by Holly on
I liked the first half. I had to read on! But the whole dream thing is a tad predictable. Sorry! Try and fit the first bit in another story though, 'cause it's good!