The Two Peas Of Shady Pines

"What? You want to know about those two women over there who sit on opposite ends of the table and refuse to speak? Well I'm just the guy to ask, because I was right there when it happened. Pull up a chair Mr. Yemassee and I'll tell you everything I know and saw."

Friends, Sally Mae Hoffsvandoddle and Rose Weidermeier attended the Bingo tournament at the Shady Pines Rest Home in Richmond, Maine ever since Sally Mae moved into the small riverfront retirement home back in the summer of '92. Sally Mae's late husband had been Grand Moose at the local lodge, and Rose's husband Bob had kept the lodge's minutes right up to the day he died in 1989. However the two friends never allowed the differences in their husband's political station to influence their friendship. "We're like two peas in a pod," Sally Mae told anyone who asked about her friendship with Rose. "Sally Mae and I are thick as thieves," was how Rose usually described their relationship.

Bingo had become a way of life for the two Octogenarians. They enjoyed the friendship of the other Senior citizens and both being women of politically ambitious men, they enjoyed the competitive nature of the games. Though the State of Maine would have frowned had they known it, the seniors made the competition more interesting by betting small sums of money on each game. Once Sally Mae had taken nearly $3.00 back to her room and Rose had done nearly as well herself on one occasion.

When Rose declared Sally Mae and her, "Thick as Thieves," she wasn't far off. These two women played what could only be called, "Contact Bingo." They always sat together, and worked as a team, surreptitiously sliding tiles back and forth to one another, in a manner that would have done a magician proud. When sliding a tile was impossible, they would just use one of their many other ruses and strategies to accomplish their goals. Sally Mae would knock a tile off the table, or Rose would suddenly have one of her coughing fits that only seemed to come on her during Bingo. The two ladies worked as a team better than a veteran double play combination...and as far as the Shady Pines Rest Home went...they made almost as much money!

On one such day, the two ladies were working the room; each had already won a couple times and was in the hunt to win for a third time. Sally Mae glanced at Rose, a look that only a co-conspirator could understand. Rose knew that Sally Mae had been counting balls, the winning number was about to be yelled out.

"6D," shouted a young, strongly built, friendly looking woman who was running the game. Predictably Sally Mae raised her hand and screeched, "BINGO!" But she'd gotten half her cry out when Rose followed the familiar, "BINGO!"

The two women looked at one another,

"You can't have Bingo, I've got it" Sally Mae spoke indignantly to her long time friend.

"Well you may think you've got it but you ain't, cause it's right here!" retorted Sally Mae's other pea in the pod.

Sally Mae looked at her friend's card and sure enough she had Bingo.

"Well I yelled it first, so I'm the winner!" she haughtily replied.

"Well I was watching and I put my piece down first, so Sally Mae, I won this round!"

The two women glared at one another like two prize fighters before a championship bout. Neither one was giving an inch. Two women who had spent the better part of a decade working as a team, sharing profits without ever an argument or sign of jealousy were suddenly at an impasse.

The strongly built friendly caller attempted to clear the confusion, after checking both cards she came to an executive decision,

"Well ladies, it looks like you're both winners to me. We'll split the pot between you."

This was not the pronouncement that either woman wanted to hear.

"Jinny May Johnson, you may be the wife of the Preacher, but you ain't the boss of this Bingo game. I won fair and square and I ain't sharing with no Rose come lately!"

"Why I never heard such foolishness Sally Mae. You well know that I won that game, you saw me put my piece down first, and you yelled just so I wouldn't win!"

"Why you've always been jealous of me, just because my John was Grand Moose and your Bob was just his Secretary!"

"I knew one day you'd throw that up into my face Sally Mae, you always was a social climber, you and that old man of yours stepping over anyone who got in your way!"

Jinny May attempted to quiet the two women by placing her strong hands on each of the old women's shoulders, but soon found her mistake. Both women were as wiry as Jinny May's husband just before Sunday Service and as powerful as she was, she was no match for the two cantankerous friends.

The two women continued to argue and no one knows exactly what happened but at some point Rose stepped over the line and Sally Mae invited her outside to settle the disagreement.

If Jinny May had not been so involved in the feud, she might have noticed the other seniors huddled in secret. She might have noticed money changing hands and she might have heard that Sally was a five to four favorite to knock Rose into tomorrow. And if it hadn't been for Police Dispatcher Evans quick call to Deputy Brown, the two friends might have gone at it and someone would have become the equivalent of a Shady Pines Millionaire.

When the fracas had been sorted out, Sally Mae and Rose were sent to their rooms to allow cooler heads to prevail. Neither Sally Mae nor Rose would agree to share the winnings, and so the money was put back into the pot for a lucky winner the next day.

The day after the fight, the two friends refused to speak at breakfast and sat on opposite ends of the room during the daily Bingo tournament. The next day nothing improved and is unlikely to anytime soon.

Just yesterday someone asked Sally Mae about Rose and she replied, "That old bat, she's my worst enemy." And when that same person asked Rose about her former friend, she spoke with a quiver, "I ain't got nothing good to say about that old witch!"

And you know, being a guy who has lived with them for the last seven years, I think I should be heard when I speak about those two, and if you ask me, their argument is less about Bingo than either will ever admit.

But one thing is for sure, that little fight broke up unfair competition as sure as any government Anti-Trust laws ever did. And while I occasionally win at Bingo now and then, I just feel like something was lost that day...it isn't always about winning.