Changes beckon

CAST LIST:

ME = the day-to-day me, the one who shops, works and pays her bills.

MYSELF = is that point of consciousness outside of me, my personality if you like, that takes a more objective view of my life.

I = my link with spirit which comes on the heels of meditation, or in the throes of a meditative state when I am on the computer.

(For more explanation read 'Me, myself and I' in this collection.)

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ME: It is August 2005 and working life is quiet. In fact it is so quiet it is scary. And yet I have found another reason to put off the projects I should be doing. Today I am creating an ephemeral distraction called a blog, yesterday I immersed myself in the harsh reality of the newspaper getting ink on my fingers and images of horror imprinted on my brain.

MYSELF: This is all some fancy way of saying you've lost it. Lost the momentum, lost the plot. Last year did not produce the goodies that you hoped it would and so now you dither around, beating yourself up for not being more aggressive, more focussed, more hungry.

I: When you are ready......
Close your eyes and imagine a candle flame. Look into its heart and see the flame of yellow flickering within the deeper gold that answers the call of the breeze from time to time and shudders briefly, sending dark smoke to the ceiling, before regaining its composure. Let the flame steady in your minds eye and then allow its golden aura to surround you. The warmth of the light. like melted butter, softening the harsh day light and filling your body with purpose born out of contentment.

It is not the rigidity of the candle flame that makes it constant, it is its ability to respond to the slightest whisper. It is its layers of light, harsher on the outside than on the inside, that make it strong. It is its ability to continue to shine in the darkness that makes it a welcome friend. There is much to be learnt from a single candle flame.

MYSELF: What is this the Tao of Leadership? The willow is the strongest tree because it bends with the wind and the rain ... if I change everything, my way of life, the place I live, the work I do then the bills will still come in like a constant rainfall dampening the adventure - the devil may care attitude to life. I am older now, I have responsibilities ' I like warm blankets, fluffy towels and good food. I have an established way of life. So what if maintaining it is exhausting, with strong will and loads of work I can get through.

ME: But what is the momentum of my life now? If I stop a moment and listen. It is quiet, the sun in shining and there is a peacefulness settling in the centre of my chest. In the stillness there is so much more movement ' the rainbow falling through the water from the hose. The sunlight dappling through the garden leaves, the fact that one month ago today in London people lost their lives. Their lives changed, and those of their friends, their families and their colleagues.

My life changed, rucksacks are now containers of sandwiches, gym equipment and hair bleach with nails embedded within it. Suddenly a person carrying a rucksack deserves a second glance. Yesterday a rucksack casually left on the back seat of a car next to mine caused a sharp intake of breath ' a silent talking to ' a walk away that was an act of defiance. I am not afraid ' I will not see monsters in every dark shadow.

But what of the dark shadows that now fill my thoughts when change appears like an enemy at the door, arms folded, waiting for me to pack my rucksack with my essentials and follow his lead.

What are the essentials that I would pack? My home, my family, my skills as a mediator and my work with crystals. Ah yes ' and then of course my dog.

MYSELF: So, lets get this straight the essentials are actually everything. Have I got this right. As long as nothing changes you are willing to embrace change is that what you are saying?

I: If you cannot embrace change at this stage in your life then you will not embrace it at all. You have built your own individuality, personality and set of skills with which to earn a living. (Stage 1 of life) You have shared those skills and the fruits of your labours, and your loins with your children. (Stage 2 of life).

What are you going to make of stage 3? Are you going to ignore that still small voice of soul and take up an extreme sport! That should take your mind off things? Or are you prepared to follow the path of spiritual discipline and actually make the space for a new way of being to emerge and grow? No one changes because they want to, they change because they have to. You just haven't realised that the imperative for you is as strong as it is for the bereaved and the saddened.

ME: I am listening. I am thinking and I want to say 'yes' but somehow the words do not form, there is a block between my brain ' which knows that change is imminent '
and the breath I need to summon up from deep inside my being to bring life to my limbs and sound to the words of agreement, of acknowledgement that something has to give.

What is that block? It is the weight of expectations, the weight of success, the harness of responsibility and blind panic. It is that sharp intake of breath when I see a lonely rucksack.

I: Good. Stand still a minute and breathe deeply. What is in the whirlpool of panic? The past? Is how you will measure your future? Well yes, perhaps in part, it has given you a toolbox of skills, a set or values and a means of engaging with the world.
What else is there?

MYSELF: Failure, go on say it. Failing to meet the mark, failing to succeed, failing to pay the mortgage. Just plain old failing!

I: How do you measure success?

ME: By my impact on the people I meet and the work that I do and my ability to pay the mortgage and the bills.

I: What about the peace within your heart?

ME: I find peace comes from paid bills.

MYSELF: Smart quip, but not quite true. Think again.

ME: OK. I guess building a business based on personal values. Having freedom to work for myself and making a difference ' all bring peace to my heart. Being asked to do healings and meditation groups brings peace in a truck with the headlights full on. But that seems like a dream painted on rice paper and hung across the front room window. Being asked to do what brings you joy is not in the survivors handbook that I have been following since I was 16. The angry young woman 'I'll do it on my own then' handbook.

I: That handbook may have seen you through the first two thirds of your life, but it is not a roadmap for the future. That is the gentle whisper of your soul, which can hold up mirrors to reflect the light, but cannot take your blinkers off.

ME: If I take them off can I put them back on?

I: You can never erase the image, but you can turn your eyes away. Turning your eyes away from the sun does not make it go away it just changes the direction of the shadows. When you turn your face to the sun the shadows fall behind you.