Trust and belief

CAST LIST:

ME = the day-to-day me, the one who shops, works and pays her bills.

MYSELF = is that point of consciousness outside of me, my personality if you like, that takes a more objective view of my life.

I = my link with spirit which comes on the heels of meditation, or in the throes of a meditative state when I am on the computer.

(For more explanation read 'Me, myself and I' in this collection.)

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ME: Back to the screen to the cool blue background and the white crisp page. Drawn back like a moth to a flame, when there is so much else I could be doing, building, creating, finishing off to earn a crust. What is this draw, this elastic band that seems to hold me, myself and I in a state of stasis and questioning. I have overcome times of torpor before, but there is something about this time that makes it feel different. I feel that to blunder on through will force me to miss something. But I don't know what I am looking for.

I: If you want to understand a river you don't go fishing. You consider the landscape, the natural contours of the land, the weather systems and the flow. Standing up to your hips in cold, fast flowing water, making sure of your footing and watching out for just one thing means that you either get your fish, or you don't. You limit your options, you turn your back to the other half of the river. You might look up from time to time and appreciate nature. You might even have moments of contemplation and peace, but you are never at rest. You have not chosen to be at rest.

Choosing to be at rest is different from being at rest by accident. It puts your will, your intention, behind your decision to rest in the now, to open to the layers of possibilities that surround you. Sometimes you have to let your focus go, to empty your field of vision completely to be able to see the shapes of possibility that have been usurped by the brighter and the bolder shapes formed by expectation and ambition.

It is intention and belief that bring the more ephemeral possibilities to life. You can make profound changes if you engage your belief and your intention. It is by creating a positive picture of the future that you create the possibilities that you seek, and that you need for your spiritual progress at this time.

MYSELF: And how long might this all take? How can you be assured of a positive outcome? That what you create is financially viable as well as spiritually rewarding?

ME: I guess that is about trust and belief.

MYSELF: Trust in what and belief in who?

ME: Trust that this process is necessary at this time and belief in myself, my intuition and in spirit. I cannot always ignore the imperatives of spirit, putting it on the back burner until I am older, I have retired and no longer need to earn a living. It feels like the time is now to take a step into the unknown and discover what is around me, what has been hidden from view in the daily bustle of life.

MYSELF: But haven't you been doing that? You hardly have the traditional profile, or the traditional career path. Is it not possible to bridge the two, to align the material with the spiritual. Babies and bathwater come to mind.

ME: It is possible and I have to some extent been doing that. All the time people stumble over the work mediation and call it meditation, and that because they are similar in their energy patterns. But if it was enough to bridge the two then I wouldn't be staring into this computer screen talking to myself and I about what is missing. Clearly it is not enough, but working out what will be enough is difficult.

The last time I was facing these types of decisions I was 16. I had few examinations to my name, a home life I wanted to escape from and a desire to move to London. Choices were limited ' work with children. So I did and built a life from there. So feeling like a boat without an oar was common amongst my friends, and the adults that surrounded us gave us the benefit of their own limitations.

This is different. I am not escaping anymore, in fact the opposite it may be difficult to replace comfort with discomfort, and familiar with unfamiliar. It may also be difficult to face the disapproval of my children, if any came, as perhaps they see their mother dropping out of more conventional society.

It is a delight and a support that my partner and husband for so many years is facing a similar challenge himself. He has been magnificent over the last few years at facing his demons. Inspirational in fact. And what has replaced the gaudy pleasures of the flesh? A softer, quieter, contemplative man who can commune with spirit as easily as he can commune with the greengrocer. A man with boundless capacity for hard work and self-reflection. A true friend for many, some of whom only seem able to spread nails in his path and lay their inability to make the changes he has made squarely at his door.

I: It is not a coincidence that you are both facing similar struggles at different times. You could not both change at the same time. As one rises in strength the other falters, and then rises again to support the next spiral of change. Life is about spirals, it is about movement and growth and in a partnership such as yours then there are the individual patterns of growth and joint patterns of growth moving together. But it does not stop there, no individual is an island, and what is true within your selves and your home is true within your society and the world. You are not separate from the actions and the beliefs that are creating the pattern for your society and your world at this time.

50 years ago today a bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, yesterday was one month since the bombs in London, there has been loss of life in Iraq most days, too numerous to mention anniversaries. There has been the bomb in Egypt, there are people dying of starvation in Niger. Each one leaves a pattern of despair on the society and the world and every individual. It can, if allowed to, create a blanket of despair that could make it difficult to be positive about the future.

But it would be a mistake to put the darkness out there and the light within. It is through the overcoming of intolerance within ourselves that any of this can move forward, Your intolerance of failure is as damming to you as the intolerance of belief is damaging to a society, At the end of the day it is the individuals who pay, not the soldiers or the politicians. How could they? Grief first has to be felt individually, and then owned collectively. Not in my name may be the cry, but the reality is that the collective consciousness cannot escape the impact be it emotional, spiritual or material.

The lessons are always the same, returning generation after generation to be faced individually and collectively.

ME: That puts the weight of despair into context for me, but my goodness how do I engage all this and move to another level?

I: Can't you see this is the other level. Understanding that the next stage of life is about engaging the spiritual and the material equally and then having the courage to share and debate that with others, to understand and influence the collective consciousness.

ME: How can I share what I don't fully understand myself?

I: By sharing your process, your understanding and your struggles. So much these days is sound bites, selective religious texts, selective public policies, selective tolerance.

True learning is engaging the bits in between, the messy unanswered questions that maintain doubt and prioritise certainty over confusion. Of course, no progress would be made if decisions were not made, and the will was not engaged. But the making of a decision in September does not mean that it needs reviewing and revising in April. Life has changed, people have moved on, the impact of that choice over another will have created change.

These days the problem is that review and refinement is seen as some kind of admission of failure and the benefit of hindsight is rarely tempered with goodwill and collective responsibility.

MYSELF: How can that be of any use to anyone?