DO NOT pay it forward

My first memory is of my mother showing me a book. I was around five and she was, I now understand, trying in her own way to explain the birds and the bees to me. Was I especially gifted? Was I ahead for my age? Did I understand complex adult situations already? Nope. She was explaining it to me because she was military and needed me to know that she's gay, and that gay is a secret you have to keep. I guess that meant explaining sex as well. I didn't even know what gay meant so I'm sure I wouldn't have blurted "Mom's a big dyke" or anything. I think now that she was afraid I would talk about her lover. Said lover lived with us and went everywhere with us but I suppose that was beside the point. The point was to teach me to lie.

Mom is a big fucking liar. I can remember at probably 8-9 years old she wanted to have another child. A boy this time because "boys are easier". No no no, that comment in NO way made me feel inferior or like a burden. Our family is primarily German. She decided to fuck her married chief (boss) because he was black. We all know that mixed kids are "always so cute". So my white ass in NO way felt ugly or not good enough. You know how confident prepubescent girls are. So her chief would show up when her lover was at work and they would fuck. I could hear them fucking. Mom never did get pregnant again, some sort of blockage in her lady parts. I knew this because she told me with great sadness. I didn't really give a shit.

At 11 I grew out of the kids section. Mom and I went shopping for school clothes and she realized I was going to need to shop in the juniors section. Well, juniors sizes are more expensive than children's sizes. She realized I had outgrown my old sizes while we were in the dressing room. I couldn't button the jeans she gave me to try on. What did she do? Did she go get a size bigger? Perhaps even ask me what I wanted to try? Mother grabbed my stomach, which admit ably was chubby, and squeezed my fat while hissing through her cigarette stained teeth "your getting fucking fat Hiedi. Your going on a fucking diet and your going to lose that god damn weight. Aren't you embarrassed by how you look?" She was completely disgusted. I had not until that moment ever thought of myself as fat. Since that day I have harbored a debilitating fear of being overweight. I've since had a child of my own, an awesome boy. Henceforth, I was pregnant. That was the hardest point in my life. Ever. I had no control and my stomach got big. I can't explain to you the horror I felt and how embarrassed I was whenever my mother set eyes on me. I will never have another child because of that experience.

Any time Mom got into a new relationship she was cheating. When she was done with someone she would find another, cheat with the new chick until new chick wanted to move in. Within a week, every single time, old chick was gone and new chick showed up. First new chick showed me what girls do together. I'll leave it at that. One of them was abusive. Hold me against the wall by my throat abusive because I dropped a cereal bowland woke her up. I was 14 when that happened and I still feel shame that I didn't lash out back at her. I was petrified. I asked her once, wasn't I enough? Why couldn't just she and I live together for a while? I told her that I would prefer it. Just for a little while. She explained that someone had to help pay the rent. Her world meant that you don't get together for love you got together so that you could use someone else's money.

She disgusts me even to this day. She licks her plate. Even in restaurants. She puts the plate up to her face, sticks out her wide fat tongue and drags it across the plate. I just gagged thinking about it. She fat. She still gets on me if I get above a size 9 and she's about 5'3 at least 200lbs. Yet, I feel terrible when she asks me if I've gained weight. We have the same nose. It's wide at the tip okay? Not something that under normal circumstances I would be like "Dude, my nose is so rad" but every fucking time she sees me now it's "Damn Hiedi! You really got that nose huh? It's even fatter than mine". I'll admit that people tell me it's not that bad. People I trust to not be yes boys and or girls, but it's a sore spot none the less.

I'm 28, 5ft 5in and I'm a size 7 now. I'm taking Ephedra so that I can lose weight. I've eaten a can of tuna today and I'm afraid to eat anything else. I wear clothes that are way to big on me and avoid more makeup than eyeliner and mascara because, well, whats the fucking point. I have an appointment to have a consultation for a nose job. If someone lies to me I cut them off. Forever. If someone disappoints me greatly I cut them off. Forever. I can't abide by someone hurting me so I tend to not feel much for others. I am however, the most loyal person on earth for those that I love. I do not lie. Let me repeat, I. Do. Not. Lie. My son and his father are the most important things on earth to me.

I have a million and one stories about my mother and why she's evil. I'll probably touch on them as I allow myself to express more freely. I'm just getting comfortable with other reading what I write. But please, if you can, just be kind. Don't hurt your children. They will carry it forever.