Lowdham!

Just back from the gym. Didn’t do much today, only some rowing. Just enough to keep my oar in.

On Saturday I was at the Lowdham Book Festival. I went early to see how other authors did it. My first mistake. I watched with increasing trepidation as they bused in legions of Latvian immigrants to fill the back seats, had publicists quickly laying Scaletrix tracks in mediaeval loops to entertain the kids. When the dancing boys and fireworks began I was really worried.

Should I have agreed to read the whole book while standing naked on a podium? Perhaps not.

As I finished one of the festival organises came towards me, barging her way through the wheelchairs, picking up dropped colostomy bags and letters from the Queen.

“Have you thought about attracting a younger audience?” she said.



I like old, I thought. I’m old. Beneath this make up and implanted smile, I’m 96. Frinton is my favourite holiday destination. Put a rug over my knees and wheel me out to sea and I’m happy.

“I don’t know if your blog is serious or not?” she said.

“It is,” I said. “Deathly.”

But I enjoyed it. It was a learning curve and all curves have high points and low points. It’s the straight lines you’ve got to watch out for creeping up behind you with daggers in their mouths. The sun hits them and they look like crosses. You can be crucified on a cross, ask Jesus.


It’s just over two weeks now until Me and Mickie James is properly released. I remember this time before The Lodger came out. What did I feel? More than anything I felt that it was just going to disappear without trace.

It’s hard work all this selling. Perhaps I need to get myself on Big Brother.

“You wouldn’t do that to a Monet!”

Exactly. As far as I know though Monet was never in Big Brother. Perhaps he would have been. Perhaps it would be good to choose contestants whose great contribution to debate isn’t, ‘How much toast have you eaten?’

Or maybe that is the great philosophical question.

And another one. What has happened to the Olympics? Wasn’t it going to be in China this summer.

Has it been cancelled?

Has China been cancelled?

I really don’t know any more.

Currently reading - Lorrie Moore, Collected Short Stories

Currently listening to - potential songs to put on my iPod for the after launch party. Any requests?