An Idle Preference

By Ewan

Wed, 04 Feb 2009
  • 1820 reads
6 comments
 

Some people like bright noon,
sun high in cerulean sky.
Others take night - might
enjoy the pinprick stars
and the sullen moon.
I prefer the twilight,
and the red of dawn and dusk:
the mulberry staining of the sky
and the mountains,
as if the earth itself is glowing
or the magma's showing through.

Certificate U
Poem
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by Ewan on
Yes, I know what you're saying: I tried it with synonyms before I posted it, and didn't like the way the extra syllables affected the rhythm when I read it out. I do like the prefer before twilight. I'll think about it.

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Submitted by Ewan on
There; I thunked about it... It's better, I hope.

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Submitted by jennifer on
The poem is superb, especially the vocab (cerulean evokes painting, mulberry of course finger staining fruit) but I have a different quibble - you have these lovely internal rhymes going on through most of the piece, but the last few lines seem bereft without the continuation of this phoneticism (do I need a 'sic' here?!). J x

 

Submitted by Ewan on
Hi Jen, I did want a change of pace towards the end. Do you sense a change of tone at the end at all? 'Bereft' is an interesting word to use: in my tiny little mind {:-)}I think the ending is downbeat, more prosaic and that 'bereft'-ness (sic) might be appropriate?

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Submitted by jennifer on
Yes I suppose, I do get tangled up in rhymes...it may well be a flaw... J x

 

Submitted by onemorething on
Well, I missed the early versions, but I love what's left. It's always impressive to create so many images in such a short piece - my favourite being - 'the mulberry staining of the sky'. Lovely.