The Red Dress Left Behind

I am sad, mama, I am sad all the time.
In my dreams, I put on my red dress and sway my way through the shallow waters. The sea is warm, the sun is on my skin and I am happy, with my hair long again.
In my dreams I feel joy, mama, in the knowledge that there is someone loving me there.

Only when I wake, only when I walk through the day every day, am I sad. I am full of dread, regret and resentment, all signs that I have finally grown up and grown old.
I have made mistakes in my life. I have fallen in love, agreed to sacrifice dreams, hopes and desires for someone else’s life, left people behind who aren’t yet ready to let me go.

Don’t let me go.

I am sad, mama, light of my eyes and life of my heart, that I will leave you and you will probably die alone.
I will receive a call in the middle of the night, thousands of miles away, that you are gone. And by the time I fly back, you will be cold and buried, and I won’t have that last chance to nuzzle my nose into your neck, smell your skin of Anaiis Anaiis, Olay face cream, and sweet tea.

In my dreams I wear my red dress and lie curled up in your lap, like the baby gazelle I used to be. You said I was so tiny, I could fit like a fetus into your arms.

I am sad, mama, for the children you will never meet, for the children I may never have, because of the choices I took, the man I decided to stay with.

I could have run, I could have left long ago, and maybe there are other lives I could be having now, filled with comfort and laughter and a wealth that I deserve.

Instead, I am sad all the time, and I count the days till I leave you, my home and my red dress behind.

I am sad, mama, but when you ask me, I say ‘I’m grateful to God’. And I smile.