Noddy & Big Ears live in Brugges

A couple of years ago, me and the missus decided that we deserved a short break.We looked around at different destinations, but found that the airlines were on their usual, ‘term time profit hike’;not only that, but this was only going to be a long weekend, so too much travelling would eat up the holiday.
Then I had an idea; we could get a ferry from Dover, south coast Uk, to Calais, north coast France and then drive somewhere different.
This would be a much cheaper option, and, apart from the ferry, we could drive all of the way.

My wife, Marie, excitedly started looking at the map for somewhere to go.

“That’s it,” she cried, “we’re going to visit Brugges in Belgium!”
I studied her choice.
“This would be easy,” I thought. “It will only take a couple of hours driving both sides of the ferry.”

We made the necessary arrangements, and the weekend arrived.

We got up early, leaving the house at 6am,
and driving to Dover, arriving at 8am.
We parked in the queue, and due to some delays that were never explained to us we sat there, waiting, for about 3 hours!

Finally getting on the boat was a relief.
It gave us time to catch a bite to eat;
sorry, it gave ME time to catch a bite to eat;
Marie spent most of the trip feeling ill, projectile vomiting
Across the ocean!

Arriving in France, we finally drove off the ferry and were on our way, and another 3 hours down the line, we finally arrived in Brugge at about 5pm local time.

Finding our hotel, we checked in, and while a very nice chap took our cases up to our room, we were ushered into the bar for a complimentary glass of Champagne.
After my good lady wife’s vomiting antics of earlier, she now felt much better, and after a couple of glasses of bubbly, we wandered up to our room and un-packed.

It was now about 6pm, so after freshening up, we decided to venture into the town...

Now, if you’ve never been to Brugges, then you won’t have a clue what I’m about to say; however, if you have been there, then you have just got to agree...

TOY TOWN!!!

Yes, that’s right; it looks like bloody Toy Town!!!

In fact so much so, that I was waiting for Noddy and Big Ears to drive past at any minute!

All the different coloured buildings, some even multi coloured.

And the roads!

How could I ever forget about the roads...

You could, if you wished, eat your dinner off of those roads!
You may get run over by Noddy in the process, but you could eat off of them all the same!

Shiny streets;

plastic houses;

chocolate bridges;

ahhh yes, wonderful Toy town.

Anyway, back to the story...

Me, and my good lady wife Marie, dressed beautifully I might add, went for a stroll into this fairy tale land.

Finding a bar in a brilliant location by the river, we decided to have a drink before finding a restaurant, and a glass of white wine later, we found a few words to describe our surroundings:

Magical;

enchanted;

charming;

expensive!

So, so expensive!

We laughed and joked, and Marie proposed that we should have another wine before finding a restaurant, and why not indeed.

I noticed during this second glass of wine, that Marie seemed to drink it quite fast.

Me – “Blimey sweetheart, you’re knocking them back!”

Marie – “So? I’m on holiday!”

Me – “It was only an observation honey.”

Marie – “Don’t fucking honey me! What the fuck has it got to do with you anyway?”

To say that I was a bit taken aback by this would be a massive understatement!
Marie hardly ever swears, and if she does, it’s for good reason!

As I sat there in disbelief, the penny dropped:
We left at 6am that morning;
we’d spent all day on the road, and she hadn’t had one crumb to eat!

She had, however, now drunk two glasses of champagne and two large glasses of wine on an empty stomach.

From then on, my once charming wife, proceeded to turn into a monster.

It was as though she had been possessed by a demon, and if there had been a priest present, I would have begged him to exorcise her!
I was just waiting for her head to spin around!

Over twenty years, I’ve seen her tipsy many times, but have never seen her act like this before.

I finally managed to convince her that she really should eat something, so finding a restaurant, we sat down.

I sat, tapping my feet with terror, not knowing what she would say next.
If I could just stop her drinking for a while, and get some food inside her, then just maybe, I could expel those demons.

Me – “Fancy a tomato juice darling? It IS your favourite, ha ha!”

Marie – “Ah piss off! What the fuck do I want a fucking tomato juice for??? Get me a real drink!”

The restaurant was now starting to fill up, so I had to do something...

Me – “er... yes dear. Tell you what, I’ll go and order it at the bar; you know, to speed things up a bit.”

Marie – “Yeh yeh, just get on with it!”

Frantically making my way to the bar, I came across a very articulate speaking Belgium waiter, and explaining my predicament, he explained that he did have a, nearly finished, bottle of non-alcoholic wine, and he was sure that there was enough for a glass left in it.

I smugly swaggered back to the table and sat down.

My waiter appeared carrying a tray with two glasses on.
Carefully placing each glass down on the table, he gave me a little knowing wink, and walked off.

Thank god for that I thought, now we can eat.

Marie – “Where are my cigarettes?”

Me – “Er... I don’t think you can smoke in here baby.”

Ignoring me she started rummaging through her bag,
and finding a packet of Marlboro, she pulled the box out so hard, it sent her glass of wine flying across Belgium!

Marie – “Oh fuck it!”

Before I had a chance to do anything, she had grabbed the arm of another waiter and asked... no, demanded, another glass of wine.

I was now back to square one!

We ate;

She drank;

and under the circumstances, we had a fairly normal time I suppose, helped by Marie going through a short quiet period
which, I was extremely grateful for.

The time had now moved on to about half past eight, and Marie was now, well, plastered!

On leaving the restaurant, I suggested that, after such an exhausting day, it would be a good idea to retire to our hotel.

She was having none of it, promptly wandering off to find another bar, with me trailing behind like a loyal puppy.

Finding a noisy crowded bar, she wandered inside; me following of course, and proceeded to order two glasses of wine from the bar. She then drifted off to sit down.

The bar itself was very modern, and was ruthlessly designed to cram the maximum quantity of customers inside.

The large middle area was just ‘standing only’, and all around the edge there was a raised floor. This was where all the tables were positioned.

As Marie made her way towards one of the only seats available, she failed to spot the raised floor, tripping over it,
And landing, head first, into another lady’s lap; Marie’s drink being thrown all over the women and her partner!

As I fought my way across the crowded room, I could see her trying, in vane, to get up, but her legs had very noticeably different ideas!
She was laying, splayed out, arms and legs everywhere, with her head still laying in this poor women’s lap!

As I finally pulled her up from her embarrassing position,
I couldn’t help but give her a big hug.
Poor thing I thought; this is my fault for being such a bloody coward and not putting my foot down.

“I am very sorry,” I said, throwing down some money onto the victims’ table, “she isn’t well!”

“YES,” barked the lady, wiping the wine from her face, ”A lot of YOU English get ill quite a lot, don’t you!!!”

I slowly walked through the bar, steadying my poor wife,
making my way to the exit.
I don’t think that she really knew what was going on any more.

“Come on,” I said, “We’re going back to the hotel, and that’s final!”

Sweetly holding my hand she gazed up at me, and then started crying.
She cried all the way back to the hotel, up the stairs, and as I got her into bed, she cried herself to sleep.

About four o’clock in the morning, I was woken by the clatter of furniture, and looking up, I saw Marie’s disorientated silhouette at the window.

Me – “Are you ok?”

Marie - “Where’s the bathroom gone, and why have you moved the furniture around?”

Me - “You DO know that we’re on holiday, don’t you Marie.”

Marie - “Holiday? Oh god yes, we’re on holiday aren’t we.”

Me - “Don’t you remember last night?”

Marie - “No? Why, what happened, and why have I got such a headache?”

Me - “Don’t worry about it now love, just find the bathroom and come back to bed.”

Standing at the bathroom door, she stopped and thought for a moment.

“and where are we, on holiday?” she asked.

“Toy Town, my dear,” I answered,
“we’re in bloody Toy Town!”