Princess

For the dreamless nights when you just need to be held
For the restless days when you don’t want to be touched

You flickered in the darkness when I least expected light. You jumped into the snow arse-first and laid there to make me smile. You held half of my hand when it had been cold and lonely so many times before. You should be perfect.

And the sunset glowed shades of orange and pink, only imaginable in the most clichéd movies, over the untouched quilt of powdered snow, white as Heaven. Everything I had ever wanted was perfect at that moment, yet there I stood in you arms, feeling more alone than an angel without wings to take it home.

It’s just not the same, honey, and I don’t know what to tell you. Please know, I never meant for this to happen. I don’t think there’s a single thing I could possibly say or do to make this better. I just don’t know what to do.

* * *

There you stand with my heart in your hands and you mock me, pretending to drop it over and over again and claiming you’re sorry every time? No. Not this time. It won’t be you who leaves me now, darling, I won’t be the victim tonight.

As much of a Princess as you may think you are, I wonder…take away the blush, the eyeliner and the smile; there lies the smug grin of the tricksy whore. I’ve watched you, Princess, and I know the sounds you make as you “pour your heart out” into my hands, only to gnaw at mine as I hold your head to my chest. Love lies bleeding, every night, in your arms.

I could have loved you, Princess, I could have given you everything you wanted.

* * *

I am so, so sorry, I really am. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. If I even tried…I couldn’t try enough.

I think if I spent an eternity on my knees, begging forgiveness with each and every breath I take, there wouldn’t be enough oxygen in the world. I know what I did and I know how wrong it was. And I can’t tell you why or even how I did it but I hurt you, I know that. And although I don’t feel your pain, I know it exists. There is not a single thing I could do to take it away.

I’m with you, yes, of course I am! You’re the sweetest thing, and your infinite kindness constantly warms my heart and leaves me breathless. Yes, I’m with you, honey, but I love him.

Been alone my whole life and I thought, just for a moment, that after 17 long years uninterrupted by intimacy now might just be the change. 17 years flown with no memories of true love to slow me down. Why does this happen, every fucking time?

I swear to almighty God…I can't do this again. It never gets easier.