Waking

My insanity astonishes me; I am so easily swept away by the memory of it, what I felt and what I felt like feeling. Half the time that is all it ever was, me and my thoughts, me and my feelings, forever unrequited. Ever the victim. Pitiful.

I sit here and I know now. It’s like an epiphany that has slowly been gnawing at me over the years but I had refused to accept it. I wanted to still linger in your scent, still be so much in love that I felt like we lived in a bubble. For the love of all things distracting.

Have I always known that I could let you go so easily, maybe…?

Because it scares me all these strange minds that try and steal things from me, it’s not safe out here. I gave what I could to you, what I thought I should. You remained as an idea, a silver lining in all this real darkness. I had forgotten the sun altogether, forgotten the warmth and the brightness. In my mind it’s a calm day with a breeze softly licking at my wounds. This heart that I never kept in its cavity lies bloody in my hands. It was all emptiness and make-believe. Holding it out as I do now like a sacrifice to the empty abyss that was our past relationship. I think to myself that you were never really there so you never really left, trying to delude myself one last time to make this easier.

I wish that it were true, I am all marked up by signs of you; I don’t feel their effect anymore. I suppose I should forgive you now. I am standing at a precipice after all. It reminds me of you, the view, so unaffected. I cannot find another way to describe it. I wanted so much to make you happy, but I couldn’t. I cannot, not even if I lingered here forever.

It’s bitter sweet, this world will go on and I will not be a part of it. It’s almost as if you possessed me and I followed you as if under some spell, not realizing all the while that I was poisoning myself with the scent of you, each time, and in every kiss.

Farewell…

I loved you, in my own way and I am so sorry for the both of us that you never got to see it the way I am imagining it now. From the beginning of its forests to its waterfalls and the lush vegetation that grows on the river banks, all created and then left to shrivel up and die a purposeless death.

You endure sadness and bear pain and then you do it again. I guess it’s a morbid desire to find it beautiful even now as I stare out at a desert with no consolation, because I see you in all the bleakness, you smile at the cracked earth and I remember when it rained. It was all a mirage reflected in your eyes. I was addicted to it like a hallucinatory drug. But I should take pride in my inner workings for justifying the wrongest of wrongs, licensing you to kill but expecting that you wouldn’t.

No point looking back now, it’s all over and I am spent. So I have come here one last time to watch us die, to see us for what we really were in the end and not to linger on what we could have been at a glance. I sway back and forth here, it’s a steep descent and I put my heart back into my chest to take one last look at you…

How sad is it that despite it all I will miss you, even now as I fall and I see you standing there having missed my outstretched hand and secretly laugh wishing you could hear me mock you. How desperate I have become to have gone so far as to imagine that you could save me from myself.