third law

By Julia Dickerson

Thu, 29 Jul 2010
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2 comments
 

nights like fissures
make me realize all we’ve lost
little girls lose their naïveté
cruel human nature divulged
little boys lose their possibilities
presented the sanctioned formulas
and as an onyx void of torn appliqué
nights eventually lose the moon
but i love you
life so far lived
brought to a precipitous halt
plunged downwards
increasing velocity
a deluge of quondam times
but with every thing lost
something must be gained
somewhere
newton’s third law
but a faulty observation
for these losses are not motion
and the gains not always equal

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Comments

Submitted by jennifer on
Some great imagery, but sometimes simpler is better. I feel the overall effect of the poetry is lost because you seem to be trying to use as many 'fifty point' words as you can fit in. Try instead to focus on the rhythm and sound of the words. J x

 

Submitted by Julia Dickerson on
I was trying to convey a more science like theme due to the idea of newton's law by using many "fifty point" words, but I agree in that I don't think it was very successful. I think the rhythm and sound do need more attention, so thank you for the comment!