Familiar Stars

Cherry

By jennifer

Tue, 03 Aug 2010
  • 6050 reads
21 comments
 

Familiar Stars (3rd July, 2010)

Here I am in the same small town,
Staring up at familiar stars,
Dreaming of all the days gone down,
Wondering why they did not last.

Old songs come on the radio
And your face blooms inside my head…
Remember when you made me glow?
Do you recall the things we said?

Those promises they haunt me now:
I wasted so much soul on you,
You trampled dreams I had flat down
And used my love to hide your truth.

I mislaid sweetness when you left,
My skin grew thick, a hardened shell.
The years have become second-guessed:
Why, on the past, must we all dwell?

My happiness is wistful still:
A younger self would reprimand,
Yet, as I age, I’ll miss the thrill
Of my wish being your command.

I have packed up my broken heart,
It’s in a box high on a shelf
With all the laughing photographs
Because you married someone else.

The twinkling stars start smiling now,
They beam their light down on my face,
I bathe in starlight and, do you know?
The memories become erased.

This freedom is worth twice the price
Of any wedding ring you gave.
I am the mistress of my life:
That band of gold keeps her enslaved.

Certificate U
Forbidden Fruit (2010)
Love

Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
You trampled dreams I had flat down do you think if you put a comma after had, it might sound better? (feel free to ignore this - I know nothing about the rules of poetry) anyway, I liked this very much, Jennifer.

 

Submitted by jennifer on
I was debating that, but I think it's correct as it is. Poetry has the same punctuation rules as any other form of writing. People often misuse commas in poetry to create pauses, which I cannot stand! Thank you very much for the compliment! J x

 

Submitted by trickymac on
I think reflection is a device the poet is supposed to develop to increase his/her craft but it is also something that we can get addicted to and distracted from the everyday part of living. Can you tell you hit a nerve. And did so all the way through - great Jen. :)

Submitted by MistakenMagic on
We've both submitted poems today that start with the same three words, Jen! (Great minds obviously!)Really love this one, especially these lines: 'And your face blooms inside my head… Remember when you made me glow?' The use of the word 'blooms' - so brilliant and original ;) Well done on the cherry! Magic xxx

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi jennifer, I love this poem, because it touches on a subject that many people have experienced. I think that it is a shame we have to worry about punctuations and commas and full stops and all the rest of the do's and don'ts of writing, when all we are really trying to do is tell a story. Anyway congratulations on the cherry. Well deserved. Jenny.

 

Submitted by jennifer on
trickymac - sorry to hit a nerve but glad you enjoyed it anyway! This poem is very personal to me, glad you can empathise! Magic - thank you! Will have to investigate your offering! Great minds indeed! x Jenny - thank you very much for your lovely comment. However, I have to disagree with you. Although I agree with your statement that 'all we are really trying to do is tell a story', I believe that the dos and don'ts of writing, such as punctuation, are extremely important in the telling of that story. We tell stories, especially in poetry, through the manipulation of words to create meaning. Punctuation also creates meaning - it structures and controls those words and their effect. Think about it... how can our meaning be transmitted to our readers through the medium of words if those words are incorrect or read the wrong way because they are incorrectly organised? J x

 

Submitted by braintrain on
I like it but its a bit rigid.Like it came from a textbook or something

Submitted by jennifer on
A textbook? Care to explain that comment? J x

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi Jennifer, Well I suppose your right, but having only just come onto ABC Tales I'm a novice. Having read alot of books, I have never been aware before of how hard writers work, I really take my hat of to them. When I read it's amazing how much I take for granted. Jenny.

 

Submitted by Jacquelineann on
I think you could do much better. Didn't really like it.

Jax

Submitted by jennifer on
Yes, I agree that it's not my best work, but it's what the Muse offered me at the time. I write because I have to; it just happens! J x

 

Submitted by Jacquelineann on
I put that comment because I have read some of your other writing so know you are more capable. I couldn't see a catchy idea in it, really, probably just not to my taste. I suppose I found it self indulgent.

Jax

Submitted by Cavalcader on
New Jennifer Well deserved cherry! Thoroughly enjoyed this, as it will apply to 1,000 out there somewhere in life and me. The twinkling stars start smiling now, They beam their light down on my face, I bathe in starlight and do you know? The memories become erased. julie xx

Submitted by jennifer on
Jacquelineann - I suppose that it is self-indulgent, yes, but poetry is about self-expression, at the end of the day. I often find that it's easier to appreciate poetry that reflects one's own experience, because then one concentrates on the empathy and less on the level of expertise displayed! Thank you for the compliment about being 'more capable', too! Julie - thank you so much for your lovely comment, that's my favourite stanza too! J x

 

Submitted by braintrain on
I read it again .Its alright.

Submitted by chooselife on
Jennifer, there's more going on in this than you let on, I think. You're holding something back. 'Yet, as I age, I’ll miss the thrill Of my wish being your command' suggests you would have liked things to have turned out differently. But, 'This freedom is worth twice the price Of any wedding ring you gave. I am the mistress of my life: That band of gold keeps her enslaved.' suggests otherwise. Please expand.

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Aha, yes, the complexities of relationships! Haven't you ever had one of those where you miss them, or aspects of them, and yet you're glad you're no longer with them? This poem is about that pang. J x

 

Submitted by chooselife on
Got the tee shirt J. Your 'anger' is subtle, perhaps too much so ?

 

Submitted by jennifer on
But that's the point: it's not anger, it's a sort of numbed feeling. A gentle regret mixed with a slight relief! J x

 

Submitted by JamesF on
Yes, I got that numbness...it's very well put across, and sad...the transience of life, devastating. I liked this very much, and glad you liked 'Unison' :) It was written on a plane flight x

Submitted by kuno-chan on
Jennifer I loved it. Like many of the comments before I felt like it is what i am feeling. You are so great at putting it into words. i envy your talent. i especially liked these parts Here I am in the same small town, Staring up at familiar stars, Dreaming of all the days gone down, Wondering why they did not last. Old songs come on the radio And your face blooms inside my head… Remember when you made me glow? Do you recall the things we said? Those promises they haunt me now: I wasted so much soul on you, You trampled dreams I had flat down And used my love to hide your truth. Yet, as I age, I’ll miss the thrill Of my wish being your command. I have packed up my broken heart, It’s in a box high on a shelf With all the laughing photographs Because you married someone else. my only difference is that he isnt married and just dating someone else. but the feelings are the same as you said. ----Kuno-Chan----

----Kuno-Chan----