I must leave thee, love, and shortly too

Divorce........

I see marriage as a reason to wear Silly Hats – and a cause for annual celebration. But so too is divorce.

Divorce allows you to substitute one kind of anniversary celebration for another. I still celebrate the anniversary of my first divorce, and I am looking forward to celebrating the silver and golden anniversaries of that divorce.

Now you may think this rather odd, and I’d be the first to agree with you that it isn’t something you come across very often. But I’m a happy sort of bloke, the kind who tends to see his cup half full rather than half empty, and I adore throwing a party, whatever the excuse.

In fact, all the divorced blokes I know agree with me. None of them have ever declined an invitation to my divorce anniversary celebrations, which are pure fun, consisting mainly of wine, women and song - and where the drinks are all on me.

And like most things in life, things only get better. After my first divorce, I married and divorced someone else. Suddenly I enjoyed two divorce anniversaries every year. And every time I married and divorced again, the number of divorce anniversaries went up by one. As did the Parties!

And then, purely by happenchance, I had a “double” celebration on the same day, when the date of my most recent divorce coincided with the anniversary of a previous divorce. I realised that with judicious planning, I could potentially enjoy a “triple” anniversary – a day that is the anniversary of three previous divorces. Wow, what a party that will be!

But there are always other people who contrive to find a simpler route through life. I know a husband and wife who divorced, and then got married to each other again. So now they throw three parties each year, for two marriages and a divorce in between. Frankly, I think that’s cheating just a little bit, don’t you?

Not to be outdone, I’m now trying to organise my next marriage, divorce and subsequent remarriage to the same person – with all three anniversaries to occur on my birthday.

My divorce anniversary celebrations are terrific fun, and there’s so much scope for more. The Silly Hats are a must, but in future years I’m beginning to think we should all go Dutch...

:-)

Kids........

My latest decree nisi was rubber-stamped in the UK today, while I was sunning myself on a beach in the Canaries.

My eldest son from my very first marriage telephoned to let me know the good news, and to congratulate me on my latest adventure. He is a good sport.

Each of my children has a fascinating array of brothers and sisters, and half-brothers and half-sisters, and they all get along brilliantly with their ex-stepmothers, who they refer to as their "Mumbos". And they are quite inventive in the way in which they differentiate between one Mumbo and another. For example, the very fat ex-stepmother is called "Mumbo-Jumbo", and the ex-stepmother who is as daft as a brush is called “Mumbo-Dumbo”. They even have an ex-stepmother who is called "Mumbles", on account of a slight speech impediment.

I’ve always been the marrying kind, and the divorcing kind, and I’ve been open-minded in my choice of women, whatever their size, shape or background. Indeed, one of my past wives was a divorced mother before we met, and she gave me the joy of step-children – a gift that I was in a position to reciprocate big time.

The new children we produced during our marriage gave new half-brothers and half-sisters to all our step-children. When we divorced, all our step-children became ex-stepchildren, and all the children we made together remained as half-brothers and half-sisters to all our children by previous marriages.

At the time of our divorce, this particular wife was pregnant by a previously unmarried man. So it looked as if the unborn child would become the odd child out, because despite the prospect having half-brothers and half-sisters by the mother, there were no step-brothers or step-sisters on offer from her lover. Fortunately, this problem was quickly rectified after the divorce when she had a sudden change of mind and married one of my ex-step-sons who had children by a previous marriage.

My eldest son from my very first marriage gave me some further good news. He announced that he is now engaged to my ex-stepdaughter (by my third ex-wife – the same one who had children in her previous marriage). So one of my ex-stepdaughters will become my daughter-in-law, and I hear that the Mumbos are already planning a giant hen party.

I wonder who my eldest son from my very first marriage will choose as his Best Man, and who my ex-stepdaughter from my third marriage will choose as her Maid of Honour?

It will be wonderful to keep it in the family….

:-)

In-laws........

I've just got divorced for the umpteenth time, and I’m thinking it’s a shame that when you get divorced, you lose your in-laws. All my in-laws are jolly nice people, and I still get on famously with them. But they are not my in-laws any more. That’s really sad, especially as there isn’t another word in the English language that describes their new status.

I’ve tried referring to them as my “ex-in-laws”, but that really does sound naff. So from now on I shall refer to them as “outlaws”.

It is an interesting thought that if I should get married again, to one of the sisters of one of my ex-wives, then her parents – who are currently my outlaws – will become my in-laws for the second time. Exactly the same situation would of course arise if I remarried one of my ex-wives. But the term “in-laws for the second time” is a bit of a mouthful, so I suppose I would refer to them as “ex-outlaws”.

Yes, I know that an “ex-outlaw” is also an “in-law”, but in this context I think the term “ex-outlaw” is much more appropriate. It defines a status that has been regained.

On the other hand, if I should get married again, to one of my ex-mothers-in-law (otherwise known as an outlaw), then the lady in question would simultaneously become both my new wife and ex-outlaw. But alas, I don’t suppose it would be diplomatic to refer to my new wife as a “wife and ex-outlaw”, so I’d abbreviate the term back to plain and simple “wife”. Not that she would be plain and simple. At least, I would hope not.

But suppose I get married again, either to one of the sisters of one of my ex-wives, or to one of my ex-wives, whose parents thereby become ex-outlaws, and I then get divorced again? At the time of this further divorce, my ex-outlaws will become my Second-time-around Ex-outlaws.

The term “Second-time-around Ex-outlaws” is a bit of a mouthful, so I suppose I would abbreviate this to “Sex-Outlaws”.

Of course, there is no legal impediment (that I know of) to my marrying a Sex-Outlaw, which is possibly what I wanted to do in the first place...

:-)