Hiding

By Beeme

Mon, 16 Aug 2010
  • 8424 reads
33 comments
 

You have forced me into hiding.
The dress that your brought me last Christmas
(the white silk one with gold sequin song birds
sitting along the rim) is grasped within my hands
and thrown above my head. Useless, an unrequited
veil, capsulising my defeat.

I claw at my neck, irritated by my sudden fragility.
How could you do this to me? The battle lines are
drawn, mascara lines running down my cheeks.
Dividing myself from the person I once knew.
I scrub at my face, deliberately trying to remove
your trace, but its useless.

I flee from myself, like I'm aiming to confuse my
shadow and eventually lose her, although I know I can't.
I retreat into my own habitat, its tunnels and caves
made of flesh and bones. Crouching between these
rocks, I've tried so hard to lose you,
I've lost myself instead.

Certificate U
Love

Comments

Submitted by kheldar on
beeme, this is another powerful piece. I love the way the need to run away from one person causes the narrator to run away from the rest of the world as well. David xxx :--)

cool

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you david, I'm glad you enjoyed :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by celticman on
Usually when someone asks about the ending (or beginning, or middle)I find obscure advice is often best, something like, 'you need to wait for it'.

 

Submitted by rjnewlyn on
Yes, I like the jumbling up of the physical and psychological here. It works well. The first line seems a little cumbersome and I was wondering whether it might flow better if you deleted 'I'm running' and just started with 'You have forced me into hiding' (that way, there's a sort of echo in the last line as well). Try it out and see (I'm not a poet and have great admiration for anyone who can write that way). Rob

 

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
hello Beeme, I have no advice to offer, but I enjoyed this very much. the second stanza - clawing at your neck, scrubbing your face - that's really good.

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thanks for the advice Celticman, I'll see if anything comes to me :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Rob, glad you enjoyed. I've changed the first line, perhaps I could change the last line to just ' you have forced me into hiding' aswell.. I'll see what works best. Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you so much Insert, I'm very glad you enjoyed. I think the second stanza is my favourite :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Nolan on
Enjoyed Beeme! And I know how it feels. Also, "I scrub at my face, deliberately trying to remove your trace, but its useless." "Makes one think of Lady Macbeth, “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” Cheers! Nolan
 

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
Hi there, Beeme. I really do like this one;-) In the last stanza, second line, I think maybe 'lose' would be better than 'loose' and as far as the ending goes, how about something like, 'Im hiding...waiting to find me.'? You have used some very effective imagery in this poem which works very well and I particularly admire the description of the dress in the first stanza. Tina xx

 

Submitted by Nolan on
Sometimes I do the same. Pull the blanket over my head like a tortoise. When a child wants to hide he closes his eyes he thinks then you can’t see him. Grown ups do it too, gives a sense of security. Other times I pull the blanket over my head ‘cause it’s cold. Keep well xx!
 

Submitted by MistakenMagic on
Hello Beeme, I agree with Tina - some really powerful imagery in this one! I especially liked: 'The battle lines are drawn, mascara lines running down my cheeks.' and 'I retreat into my own habitat, its tunnels and caves made of flesh and bones.' In regards to the ending, it does work well as it is, but my two cents would be to lose 'I'm hiding' and end it: 'I retreat into my own habitat, its tunnels and caves made of flesh and bones. Crouching between these rocks, I realise I've completely lost myself.' So you still end with a short line - but it creates a pause so that you really hear the assonance with 'lost' and 'rocks'. But that's just my advice, of course you don't have to take it ;) Magic xxx

 

Submitted by Cavalcader on
new Hi! Beeme, it was life's experiences. Bits, get back later, got to get out. Must read yours. But wanted it funny maybe take copy to the car wash, I know! it is far to long, forgot to put you in some how. Naughty Kheldar started it. julie xx

Submitted by shoe on
An emotive poem with stirring imagery. I like it a lot.

 

Submitted by kheldar on
Hello Beeme, (keep wanting to say "Hi beeme" but it makes you sound like a car headlight!) Just a suggestion, instead of 'Crouching between these rocks, I realise I've completely lost myself' How about 'Crouching between these rocks I've tried so hard to lose you, I've lost myself instead.' David xx :--)

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Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Nolan... I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Tina, I'm particularly glad you liked the description of the dress :) I changed 'loose' to 'lose'. I'm not sure about the ending, I'll see what I think works. Thank you very much for the advice :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you too for all of the advice, I'll see about the ending because now I quite like Kheldar's and Tina's suggestions. :) I'm really glad you enjoyed. Thank you for the encouraging comment :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Julie, I'm glad you enjoyed, thanks for taking the time to read :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you very much Shoe, I'm glad you enjoyed :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Ha ha! :) Hello Kheldar, I really like your suggestion, thank you :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by kheldar on
Thank you Beeme, I am honoured. David xx :--)

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Submitted by maggyvaneijk on
the last line rounds everything up in the most beautiful way, love the images used as well, especially the unrequited veil

 

Submitted by Cavalcader on
New Beeme Just got in, time to catch up, Lovely emotional poem, sad. Loved the dress word's golden sequin song bird's, get me one? This is a little gem! last two lines, Iv'e tried so hard to lose you I've lost myself instead. brill: images. Trying to fix you in my poem, how? Most is true! nice to hear from you. julie xx

Submitted by Beeme on
Awwh, thank you again David. :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you very much Maggy, I'm glad you enjoyed and liked the imagery. The last lines were suggested by David, so he deserves all of the credit for the ending of the poem, which I'm extremely happy with now. I'm glad it works :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
I would love to give you one of those dresses Julie although I'm sorry to say that it is fictional :) I'm so very happy you enjoyed this, thank you for commenting again and finding the time. Your comments mean so much to me. Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Cavalcader on
new Beeme then it must be a good poet, to be able to do that. well done. and your comments mean a lot to me, have to think up, another machine, like kheldar suggested. aye! you and me. Blow I wanted that dress? julie xx

Submitted by Cavalcader on
new Beeme Hi! Now thought? of a few lines in "The Brush Off" poem tried, put you in, for you What! do you think. Beeme would be giggling drawing faces on paper and sucking her pen Or give me your version please. Like you and I did one to-gether so exciting. wasn't it. julie xx

Submitted by darkenwolf on
i found that poetry is a profoundly personal thing; especially when writing about your own experiences or feelings; you should certainly read the critiques but remember they aren't always right. My advise; do what feels write to you; that's your style and it is personal to you. Love the poem - no matter how hard you try to run from yourself you never quite manage it - take it from one who knows. Keep writing! ;)

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