Konichiwa

My name is Fred Warren and I’m ninety-seven years old. People tell me that they wouldn’t think so to look at me, but I really am that age. I still live in my house although I’m on my own these days. The children come round once or twice a week to make sure I’m still here and generally speaking I’m quite happy.

Last week my eldest daughter had just left me when the central heating went wrong. I didn’t notice until I started feeling cold, but when I tried to get up to fix it I just couldn’t get to my feet. I attempted phoning her on my cordless telephone, but dropped it as I got it out of my pocket. I couldn’t reach down to pick it up, so I just had to sit there slowly getting colder and colder. I must have been asleep when I was found, because when I woke up again I was feeling warm and comfortable.

I just lay still for a while, feeling tired and very weak. I couldn’t even open my eyes and supposed that I must have suffered some sort of stroke or similar collapse, but otherwise I felt OK now and guessed I was in a hospital. So I relaxed and waited for my children to come and visit me. Do you remember Charles Atlas and his body building technique? Dynamic tension he called it and I knew that if I didn’t do some exercise I would be even weaker after I got out of hospital, than I was before I went in. So while I was waiting to be visited by the kids, I began flexing my arms and legs as best I could in the circumstances.

I don’t know how long I was in that condition and supposed I must be on a drip of some sort. Many years ago I had a complication after an appendix operation and I was kept alive on a drip for a week without any need to do anything in the eating and drinking line. I was definitely making a slow improvement though, because after what seemed a very long time I was able to open my eyes.

God I must have been ill! I was lying in a hospital bed with the sides up to stop me falling out! I couldn’t see very well either, everything was fuzzy and out of focus. Vague shapes were moving about that I supposed were nurses, so I tried calling out but nobody took any notice of me. I was disappointed that my children still hadn’t come to visit me but it was probably just as well, I couldn’t have been looking at all like my usual self!

I slept a lot and every now and again had something to drink, but no solids, so I suppose my digestive system wasn’t working very well either.

Then all of a sudden one day I was able to focus my eyes and have a look round my surroundings. Sure enough I was in a hospital. The other patients were all in the same sort of bed as myself, every one of them with the sides up just like mine, so I couldn’t see any details of the occupants. Then one of the nurses came over and to my amazement picked me up out of the bed. I was now able to have a good look round and got a real shock. I know the NHS is short of beds but somehow I had been put into a maternity ward. Really this was going a bit too far.

“Hello,” I said to the nurse, “my name’s Fred Warren, can you tell me where I am please?”

She replied with a series of gabbling sounds in the sort of tone people use when talking to new-born babies. I could only understand the first word she spoke, “Konichiwa.”

Then suddenly I understood everything that had happened to me. I started to scream and kick out wildly in absolute frustration; this time round I was going to have to learn Japanese!