General Knowledge

General Knowledge was an angry, resentful old man who lived alone in an empty, unloved timber-framed mansion made from glued-together matchsticks that he saved from his smoking and paper-burning days.
Although the General knew everything there is to know about general knowledge, he was a deeply unhappy man, and while he knew everything there is to know about general knowledge he knew absolutely nothing about anything in particular.
The only way that he suffered reading a book was to go straight to the last page and if he couldn’t understand the story from those few paragraphs, he would burn the book page by page at his fireplace. If he understood the story, then he would read the book from the beginning, but he always found that the story lacked suspense, mostly because he knew the outcome, and the pages of the book would be burnt at his fireplace.
The General also read magazines and newspapers, although he only read the headlines of the stories. The stories themselves he assumed that he would know already and so he was quick to burn these rags at his fireplace.
While it has to be said that General Knowledge knew absolutely everything about everything in a general way, he still found it hard to cook a meal for himself. After decades of shallow frying broken-yolked eggs at his fireplace, he regarded the mastering of a poached egg as the proudest achievement of his life.
The toaster that he purchased begrudgingly after leaving his fork too close to the fire overnight presented the General with untold problems (he refused to read its instructions) and it took him years to realise that all it needed to make it work was to push the lever down and wait for the toast to pop up, which was the closest he ever came to a revelation. In the end, though, he was dutiful to his character and held onto the resentment against its manufacturers for not printing the instructions in a larger format.
General Knowledge disliked people intensely and therefore had no friends, although he always enjoyed going to pubs that hold quiz nights, from where he would squirrel his winnings and leave without thanks.

Nobody Knows, his neighbour, was a peaceful old man who lived in a small, rickety cottage by a lake at the edge of the General’s vast estate Here he lived with his faithful wife, Godonly.
They only ever read one book, which was extremely old and cost a small fortune when they bought it soon after marrying.
The Knows’ had no need for any other books because they believed that everything that they needed to know was written in this solitary book, and so they regarded it as a very wise investment.
The book they read together never failed to enthrall, no matter how many times they read it.
Very often, if not always, the meaning of passages that they had read a thousand times changed in such a way that they become even happier in the knowledge that they really don’t know anything about anything, apart, of course, from the fact that the existence of a power greater than themselves could save them and encourage them to live happy, simple lives.
Mr and Mrs Knows lived from the land and kept many generations of chickens that ran freely and fearlessly in their small garden for almost fifty years.
Although they had no need to ask for anything, Godonly spent most of her days in the village teaching literacy at the primary school as a volunteer.
As the Knows’ had no need for money, her impeccable sense of duty was suffered by the school’s ambitious head teacher, who liked to think that she was doing Mrs Knows a great service by allowing her to work there.
Nobody, by contrast, spent his days tending the lake for the well being of the wild birds that choose to migrate there between seasons. He had absolutely no interest in people other than Godonly and had learnt that keeping himself to himself was the best solution for a simple, happy life with his wife and chickens.
They never attended church but had always hoped to start their own form of service, using a mixture of the basic laws of communism and humanism, at the side of the lake with all comers welcome.
Although they had never read any other literature other than the new testament (and therefore never realised that they were communistic humanists), the Knows’ held the key to a society that had lost its way. Sadly, although they could never have been described as complacent, the Knows’ lacked enough of the spirit of giving to start their own church.
While their most pertinent and substantial beliefs were never offered to other adults (for fear of rejection), it has to be said that Mrs Knows was adored for the stories she tells by the children at the primary school, who all held her in high esteem throughout their lives.

The story that ended the lives of these three people is sad, but at the very least it proves that he who pretends to know everything about everything can help nobody and he who admits to know nothing knows more than enough to help everybody but feels indifferent about stepping forward.

In his old age, slightly demented with all the rubbish that had buzzed around his head for all those years, General Knowledge decided to buy a motorboat. He had always wanted to learn how to water-ski and chose the lake as the perfect place to take up lessons.
Although he took an instant dislike to the handsome and bronzed young man he paid to give him lessons as they strode down towards the lake on their first day, that was nothing compared to wrath that he suffered from Nobody, whose wild birds had flown away with the sound of the motorboat’s engine firing up.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ cried Nobody to Knowledge from the edge of the lake.
‘What does it look like?’ shouted the General, wading into the water. ‘I’m water-skiing on my lake!’
‘But you can’t,’ shrieked Nobody, surprising himself as his anger rose. ‘There are fish and birds that have lived here for centuries!’
‘Well, where are they?’ cried the General. ‘I don’t see any birds or fishies!’
‘The birds have flown away but the fish are under the water and you’ll kill them if you ride that motorboat over them!’ cried Nobody.
‘Don’t be daft,’ scowled the General, waiting for the signal from the handsome man at the helm of the motorboat. ‘Besides, why should I care? It’s my lake. I’m not interested on what’s underneath. I only need the surface of the water to ski, so boo-hoo to your creatures great and small. See if I care!’
The engine of the motorboat rose and dropped as the General fumbled around. Nobody stood firm at the edge of the lake, where he was joined by his beloved wife, Godonly.
Together they cried as the General got to grips and started to miraculously water-ski. The wake of the motorboat began to cut into the fish as it whirled around and around the lake, and soon the bodies of dead fish rose to the surface.
After a good hour, the lake was so full of dead fish that the General decided to call it a day.
‘I’m pooped,’ he told his man at the helm, who tied the boat to a post at the edge of the lake and accompanied the General up to his mansion to collect his fee.
The Knows were understandably livid.
Nobody dredged the dead fish out of the water in his little wooden boat until there was no more light, then burnt them at a fire that Godonly had made for them in their garden.
After praying for the fish and for the birds to return, Nobody knew that there was only one thing that he could do to stop the General from returning.
Deep into the night, he walked up to the mansion and set light to it.
The blaze took hold quickly as the wind grew in strength and the General, who had always taken sleeping pills, knew nothing about his own death.
When Nobody returned to his cottage, he found that it too had burnt down. The fire that Godonly made had never been properly extinguished and the wind had blown embers across the hedgerow and onto the cottage as she slept.
Nobody leapt into his scorched home to find his wife but she was burnt to a cinder in bed.
Crying to the heavens, he came away from the cottage and strode into the fishless lake.