This... (I.P)

It was because of you that it all came to this. The memories of someone else dictating our history now only gnaw at me in transient daydreams. You, you were an entire dream full of twists and turns, all things occuring in a flurry of unidentified parts. First your landscape, majestically lingering on like a thick rainforest. An entire world equipped with deserts and oceans and untreaded dawns.Free of everything else you were, you are. I was spoiled all along waltzing into that heart of yours thinking that I had seen it all.

The last place that I had visited clung to me like foam and memories of that self that I thought I had been, duplicated and found their way around the nooks and cranies of our friendship. I looked on like any onlooker, mesmerised by the slow approaching disaster. You were not the same, but you were not all that different either.

I try and remember our first kiss, the fear of unspilled wine looming above our heads, that one moment where there was something I must have imagined. I never got to kiss you again much like I never got to do other things. I forgot when it was that I stopped having the right to reciprocate, oh yeah when I was a shell of what a former shell of mine was, living off borrowed affections and rationed love.

*

You look like a man should, all bearded up, sun sparkling where your face is not. In my mind at least. Your eyes are clear, there is a soft breeze and calm silence...and I do the stroking. It is light and innocent and reminds me of a fondness that I am glad memory has the capacity to hold. You smile and I hold the image still like a frame and focus on your lips. I wonder if I will ever want to kiss you again, now that all I have left of you is in these photo-shopped thoughts.

It all started with you, you not picking up that call, not responding to that text. You not stopping me in my tracks as I walked gingerly along with someone else, empowering myself on self help songs, delving deeper into a hole that I cannnot crawl out of. Me loving someone else.

It all started with you holding me together so that even when we parted and I stood alone, I stood none the less.

I wonder if I will want to kiss you again, and wonder when it was that I stopped wanting to look foward to seeing you in anticipation of that touch. When there was nothing else and now there is this, this that started with you and is now merging into someone else, something new.

I caught all your diseases and got my body ready to fight the plague that was to come but I have become immune to the hateful creatures that roamed around your wastelands.

This, this is all I will take, all I will have left as I nestle into another cheek and clamour onto another's scented skin and remember that it can be this beautiful anywhere, and that somewhere in here I will find the rest of that moment in that very first kiss that started the fall.