Terrence Oblong’s 10 greatest mistakes (IP)

As a clone of Terrence Oblong I often hang my head in shame at the disastrous life my genetic twin has lived. Really it seems ridiculous to limit the list to a mere ten failings, when he has so many, but here goes with the first few that spring to mind:

10) Terrence’s disastrous attempts to write in ‘American’. Someone as English as having a nice cup of tea after a riot really shouldn’t attempt to write in an American ‘voice’. The odd American word does nothing to disguise the fact that Terrence has only spent a few days there in his entire life. Must avoid stories include: Hot Metal, The Importance of Good Signage and Levitation Lessons.

9) Cadbury’s Wispas. At least twenty pounds of Terrence’s excess stonage are directly attributable to this particular candy bar. I think he believes they’re not fattening because the air bubbles make them feel light (the chocolate is still chocolate Terrence).

8) His tendency to rehash old stories and even old titles. You can do the count yourself: two stories called Redundant, two called Liberty Prison, four separate stories called Out of Body experience, all of which even begin with the same paragraph. And dare I mention the two versions Precautions Taken Against Tiger Attack. Completely lacking in originality.

7) His tiger obsession. Terrence has written five different stories about tigers, an animal he hasn’t even seen since his last trip to the zoo in 1973. I wouldn’t mind but they’re not even good stories about tigers (see Life of Pi or Chronic City for how it’s done properly).

6) Terrence's poetry. When Terrence laughably describes himself as a writer he mentions his ‘novel’ and his short stories, but somehow omits to mention the piles of poetry that litter his bedroom. And no wonder, anyone who rhymes ‘orange’ with ‘hedge’ and ‘love’ with ‘stove’ is more Armitage Shanks than Simon Armitage. Luckily Terrence has so far resisted the urge to post his poetry on abctales.

5) Inconsistencies. Terrence often writes stories with the same character, but everything about that character changes. See for example Terrence Oblong, who goes from married to single and from living alone to sharing a house with Radiohead (The Other Terrence Oblong and Someone on ABCTales is Trying to Kill M). Bizarre!

4) His dislike of popular music. His stories are littered with snobbish assaults on popular bands like Radiohead and Evil Gazebo, whilst the only music he listens to is 1790s folk music. Join the twentyfirst century Terrence!

3) Women born on 21 April 1971. Terrence really doesn’t learn, he’s had three girlfriends born on exactly the same day and all three relationships have ended horrifically. A warning to you if you’re a woman born on this date, stay well away from Terrence Oblong. It will all end in tears (his).

2) Laziness. A special prize to anyone who’s actually seen Terrence in a vertical position before noon. If sleeping was an Olympic sport he’d be a twenty time gold medallist. It’s no wonder he’s hardly written anything original in the last six months.

1) Stealing my ideas! Luckily nobody’s read his stories Posing Naked and the Machine of Death, but if you had you might have noticed their striking resemblance to my stories of the same name. Terrence Oblong you’re nothing but a thief.