A Quiet Riot

It’s surprisingly quiet in prison tonight. One would have thought it would be turmoil, rammed to the rafters as it is with whimsical opportunists who imagined that everything was free for a day, and while they share single-occupancy cells with those nasty hardened criminals who whisper sweet murmurings to their mothers as they sleep like babies, it has to be said that they’re all getting on like a house on fire. Most of the looters lie in bed with their cracked ribs aching, staring at the fluffy grey moon through the window.

It’s very quiet on the streets tonight. The homeless have been being cleverly swept out of London for the Olympics so that visitors don’t get the wrong impression. The people who live in cages (civilians) don’t go out because their banks warned them to stop spending money. Police presence is superb on the streets; an investment of £60 billion has been set aside to clean and buff the country’s wheelie cameras to coincide with a new series of Road Wars that promises to keep the public sufficiently fearful of night-time sorties. Goodness knows knife crime’s up but the prisons are full of those hapless benefit gamers so there just isn’t the space for murderers, bless them. This is especially convenient as they may now go about their business undeterred.

It’s been quiet on the roads ever since that nasty recession started. Many of those strange people still in employment have noticed a markedly cheery change in their emotional wellbeing, fuel consumption and driving times. Pothole-filling has been postponed till 2018 after government research found that drivers don’t mind potholes at all.

It was a quiet carnival, too. The best picture was of the brisk young fellow running off with his recently plunged knife in his hand as police officers carefully watched him disappear into the crowd. The man who tried to stop the young man has been jailed for highlighting the possible negative impact of an increase in vigilante behavioural tendencies. Arrests, mostly for public urination, police training and to exercise the rights of mentally-ill police officers who take a particular dislike for certain people, were down. The youngest person to be arrested at carnival was a two-year old boy who was seen urinating in front of a pair of spaniels. He was later discharged after his mother admitted to not packing enough nappies. The spaniels’ owners are considering a lawsuit against the toddler for canine trauma.

It’s been a quiet year for Tesco. Now that they have built a site in every postcode in the land, profits are expected to rise steadily over the next five hundred years.

As you’re all well aware, it’s dreadfully quiet on the job front. It was reported in the Daily Mail that nine out of ten jobs created in the last year went to foreign nationals. According to recruitment firm, Jobs That Don’t Actually Exist, the recent trend is down to the fact that British people are born lazy and dishonest, which puts off employers. Although Britain is now bracing itself for a generation of ‘white British benefit cheats’, it is also predicted that foreign nationals will be at the heart of the benefit system to aid the cheats in dealing with their fraudulent claims. Employers, including the DWP, were unavailable for comment. On the following page, an English woman was photographed chewing on a fag outside court after receiving a suspended sentence for claiming incapacity benefit on behalf of her four sisters, all of whom live in Spain, while working as an accountant for the Jobcentre.

The housing market is ridiculously quiet, and it can’t be very pleasant to return from holiday to find a respectable housing officer squatting your property with her burly boyfriend, who has the awful habit of picking pepperoni from his teeth with a kitchen cleaver when you knock feebly on your door to ask if you might be able to come in and collect your mail.

Civil servants are very quiet at the present time. They’re off sick, you see, and it’s meant to be hush-hush so I shouldn’t really be saying, otherwise people might think they’re being taken for a monumental ride. The average civil servant takes an average of nine years off sick before retiring at the grand old age of fifty-one.

Afghanistan’s very quiet indeed. With all the focus on Libya’s rollicking revolution, the UN have been kind enough to give their support by unfreezing the money that had been rightfully theirs for a very long time indeed. Lucrative contracts are being fast-tracked through the proper channels to secure Libya’s next downfall, which analysts forecast for early next year. By then, those clever media folk will have arrested any hope for the rest of the world to believe in any form of change with their own horrific predicament.

It’s been very quiet in the Houses of Parliament recently. With August over, they’re sure to show up sooner or later, perhaps once the tan’s worn off a tad. Yes, they’ll rally around and show us what a jolly good job they’ve been doing in their absence. And the ideas they came up with on holiday..absolutely fascinating, apparently.

It’s deadly quiet in the care homes. While the lovely foreign staff are a dab hand at catching dribbles, wiping botties and serving slop, even those who speak English don’t possess that vital thing called ‘humour’. As a result, depression has unfortunately set in among many residents, triggering a sharp increase in attempted suicide. The government sees no reason to intervene, especially at state-funded care homes. But it’s not all death and despair; LCD televisions and a brand new drug that returns the ladies to their childhood during the night are well on their way.

It’s quiet all round really.