Reincarnation or heaven

“Who the Hell are you?” she shouted at the figure lurking beside her bed. “Get the fuck out of my bedroom. I’ll call the police.”

“I AM DEATH,” the figure said, “I AM HERE FOR YOUR SOUL.”

“Death? What sort of crap is that, he’s a bony guy in a robe, you’re just a middle aged man in a suit.”

“I AM AFRAID THAT THE BONY FIGURE IN A ROBE IS SIMPLY A MARKETING GIMMIC, NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. THE PR TEAM WANTED A ’DEATH’ WHO ’LOOKED LIKE DEATH SHOULD LOOK LIKE’. I NEVER FAIL TO DISAPPOINT.”

The man who claimed to be Death read from the clip board he was carrying. “KATHERINE RICHARDS? KNOWN TO FRIENDS AS KAT?”

“That’s right,” she said, too paralysed with fear to challenge him further.

“I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU RECENTLY DECIDED THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE REINCARNATED.”

“That’s right, when the doctor told me about, you know, I thought, you know, I don’t want to go straight to heaven, I want more time on Earth.”

“THIS IS SLIGHTLY UNCONVENTIONAL, YOU SEE I HAVE YOU DOWN AS CHURCH OF ENGLAND. YOU WERE DUE TO GO STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN. I’LL HAVE TO COMPLETE THIS FORM SO THAT I CAN ARRANGE THE TRANSFER.”

“A form? You mean you have red tape even after death?” She sounded surprised.

“YOU HAVE TO UDERSTAND, ANY MISTAKES IN MY WORK ARE BEST AVOIDED. A PAPER TRAIL HELPS TO MINIMISE THE NUMBER OF THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG.”

“WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

“You’ve just said, Kate Richards.”

“AND WHAT ANIMAL DO YOU WISH TO RETURN AS?”

“A penguin.”

“A PENGUIN. MAY I ASK WHY?”

“They always look like they’re having fun. Splashing around and all that.”

Death made a note of this justification on his clipboard.

“AND WHAT QUALITIES DO YOU HAVE THAT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO A PENGUIN?”

“Well, I’m a strong swimmer and I love fish. I’m practically a penguin already.”

“I SEE. AND WHAT RESEARCH HAVE YOU CARRIED OUT TO INFORM YOUR CHOICE?”

“Well, I’ve seen all the films, Happy Feet, March of the Penguins, Happy Feet 2. And I’ve been to the zoo. Twice.”

“FINALLY, WHAT IS YOUR SECOND CHOICE OF ANIMAL SHOULD PENGUIN NOT BE AVAILABLE?”

“A tiger. I’d quite like to be a tiger.”

“RIGHT, MISS RICHARDS, IF I CAN JUST ASK YOU TO SIGN HERE.”

“Gosh, you really are Death aren’t you. I can feel that my body’s dead. I can’t move my arm to sign.”

“JUST WITH YOUR SOUL, YES THAT’S RIGHT, JUST PASS YOUR SOUL OVER MY WORDS.”

“So what happens now?”

“THERE IS A SLIGHT WAIT ON THE PENGUIN LIST, BUT NOT THAT LONG, NOT WORTH MAKING YOU A TIGER. YOU WILL BE TEMPORARILY ASSIGNED TO A SOULLESS BODY UNTIL A PENGUIN BECOMES AVAILABLE.”

“What sort of body has no soul?”

“LIBERAL DEMOCRAT MPs MAINLY. YOU WILL BE ASSIGNED TO THE BODY OF NICK CLEGG.

“Nick Clegg? I don’t want to be Nick Clegg.”

“NOBODY DOES. THAT’S THE UNFORTUNATE THING. IF YOU DON’T MIND, JUST FOR A WEEK, UNTIL A PENGUIN BECOMES AVAILABLE. TRY AND KEEP HIM OUT OF TROUBLE FOR A FEW DAYS.”

“Christ, I turned down an eternity in heaven to become Nick Clegg for seven days.”