Three years, 1 day

By bluejohn

Fri, 13 Jan 2012
  • 2857 reads
8 comments
 

The words are lost in the motions

A fleeting sense of relief leaves me as I begin to dread my own future
(life, love, & the mystery)

your eyes are wasted on (these) lost souls, while mine are lost in yours
(quickly, the thoughts pass w/ nothing to hold)

I have no needs, only desire for inner peace
(quiet, rest, relief) and you

it’s the birth of beauty in your eyes and soul
your soft words, so small in the moonlight
breath so quiet on your lips

sometimes first words are hard to find

Certificate U
Poem
Poetry - Works in progress
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by scratch on
There is so much to like here bluejohn. I really admire the second line, the paradox is very well formed and captivated the attention. One tiny observation if I may? Perhaps look again at the use of the brackets, I like them a lot but refined they would be even better. Remember this is only my subjective opinion. Thanks for sharing.

 

Submitted by bluejohn on
Thanks for reading, is there a specific example of where I should reconsider the use of parenthesis?

Submitted by poetic prowess on
Undoubtedly a masterpiece!and yeah..sometimes,first words are hard to find...

Submitted by bluejohn on
Thanks for reading!

Submitted by scratch on
Hi again bluejohn, I suggest only reconsider these in terms of maintaining the symmetry of the piece so revisit the positioning of them rather then doing away with them. They definitely work well but would be even better with more attention to the structure. If this means a little work in terms of line formatting I think it might pay off. But hey, this is already a really good poem bluejohn so don't in any way stress about it. Thanks for sharing it.

 

Submitted by scratch on
I'm so glad you reviewed this bluejohn, the flow is better and this allows the poetry to perform as it should. Well done.

 

Submitted by lyssagurl_l0l on
"I have no needs, only desire for inner peace (quiet, rest, relief) and you" ~Not sure why but this made me smile Great poem bluejohn, also loved the imagery in these lines: "it’s the birth of beauty in your eyes and soul your soft words, so small in the moonlight breath so quiet on your lips" ~:)alyssa(:~

~:)alyssa(:~

Submitted by bluejohn on
Thank you for reading and your encouraging comments.