A Bit of a Domestic 4

Ah wanted tae tell Sammy tae forgive and forget, move on, learn fae it, something’ll turn up. Ah liked whit Ah’d seen of Stevie and hoped it wiz a misunderstanding, which wiz all too common whenever drugs and money were concerned. Stevie had tried tae defend his loss of the bike that day, saying the women were bigger than him and that anybody would’ve done the same in his situation. Sammy wiznae impressed wae Stevie’s excuses but by the end of the day we aw had a good laugh aboot it.

“Obviously he’s got tae be taught a lesson,” Ah said, no really meaning it, but knowing it wiz whit Sammy wanted tae hear. Better tae play along and humour him than start lecturing him aboot the irony of being a victim of theft. “There’s nothing worse than a sneaky wee bastard who steals fae the inside, or like ye say yirsel, fae the haun that feeds. That’s just not on. If ye let him away wae it there’ll be queue at yir door th-morra lookin’ fur a wee somethin’ on tick wae nae intention of comin’ back. Cunts who already owe ye wullnae pay up if they find oot ye let that wee cunt aff. He’ll be walkin’ aboot tellin’ every cunt so he can make a name for himself at your expense. Fuck that, Sammy; it’s the thin end of a thick-as-fuck wedge.”

Ah hoped Ah’d gave him enough clichés tae paint the appropriate picture; no quite the silhouetted palm trees in front of a fuckin great sunset he wanted fur his latest home décor, but enough tae stay on his side.

He nodded in whit looked like agreement. “Ah had ma doubts aboot you tae start wae, but yir definitely a Mecca. Ye sound just like Jake.”

Pleased tae have done ma bit Ah mucked aboot wae a couple of lines fur me and Johnboy. He sat building another joint wae his heid doon, but kept one eye on his share of the lines.

Sammy got up and rummaged around in the bookcase, struggling tae find the appropriate book, mumbling tae himself in the shadows. After a couple of fuck sakes he stopped the search and stood up straight as a totem pole, eyes darting aboot the room before settling on me. “We found the wee cunt this afternoon, sittin’ in a flat just around the corner as if nothin’ had happened. Couldnae fuckin believe the nerve a the wee cunt. That’ll be the domestic Ah wiz tellin’ ye aboot. Ah didnae want tae say too much on the phone, ye never know who’s listening, know whit Ah’m talkin’ aboot?”

Ah nodded, thinking of Johnboy and his cameras. “Aye mate, ye never know right enough.”

Sammy shuffled on the spot wae a grin on his face that told me he wiznae finished. “Ye want a laugh?”

“Of course Ah dae. Ah always want a laugh.”

“Gary, stick that cd on again. Ye know the one.”

The opening theme fae Space Odyssey 2001 filled the room and bounced off the walls as Sammy took on the part of a poor man’s Debbie McGhee, flicking his hair coquettishly and leading our eyes towards his new room divider. Taking hold of it, he shunted it along a few feet tae reveal a blindfolded Stevie sitting naked and strapped tae a kitchen chair; hair shaved aff, heid swollen like a ripe melon and mouth bound wae gaffer tape; torso and arms covered in cigarette burns; bruises climbing up his shins, blood trickling doon them; feet tied tae the chair legs wae washing-line rope, bleeding intae the basin full of broken glass in which they stood. Ah noticed his ears were fine, though.

The line of goodness, which had shot up ma nose in hopeful expectation of fun times, trickled doon the back of ma throat like a dose of medicine. Ah sat back and swallowed the bitterness before passing the rolled-up note tae an eager Johnboy who snatched it withoot looking up as he finished putting the dope in the joint.

Having just given Sammy ma full verbal support Ah took in the scene trying no tae display any outward emotion, knowing Ah couldnae back doon noo withoot looking like a prick, and wondering how tae get the hell out of there at the earliest opportunity, or sooner if possible.

Johnboy hoovered up his line wae gusto before sparking the joint and finally noticing he wiz an extra in a scene fae Reservoir Dogs. “Fur fuck sake. Whit the fuck is that?”

It wiznae his fault his maw hadn’t brought him up tae deal wae social situations like this. Ah had tae play it doon a bit in case Sammy saw Johnboy as too much of a shitebag and made him worse. “Ah take it ye enjoyed that line, Johnboy? Eh… by the way…this’ll be wee Stevie Ah wiz tellin’ ye aboot. The boy that lost the bike and stole an ounce of smack.”

Johnboy tried tae pass me the joint but his hands were shaking so much it fell fae the ashtray ontae the couch.

Sammy wiz on tae it right away. “Fuck sake. Goany get a grip of yir mate, Danny. If he pishes ma new couch he’s getting stripped and tied tae a chair.”

Ah laughed as much as Ah could under the circumstances while trying tae keep calm and retrieve the joint. “He’ll be fine. Yiv just gave him a bit of a fright, that’s aw. He’s no used tae getting up close and personal tae the movies.”

Ah glanced at Johnboy and could see his chest banging away as the coke and the fright caused his heart tae pump up the volume, and wae shock draining colour fae his face, aw that blood wiz running around wae naewhere tae go. Fur the first time aw summer Ah didnae want tae be the same shade as him. His face almost matched his white No Fear t-shirt and new teeth.

Ah knew Johnboy didnae want tae witness any more of this sort of shit. He’d been unlucky enough tae be standing in the queue at an ice cream van one night when a guy strolled up and slashed another guy’s face wide open. Both the assailant and victim knew Johnboy. There then followed a period whereby he wiz getting threatened if he became a witness fur the prosecution, and also getting threatened if he didnae, because the other lad wouldnae get criminal injuries compensation if the case never reached court. His windows were smashed and he ended up moving house, all because his drunken missus wanted a double nougat. He sat motionless, staring straight ahead, getting paler by the second, panic written over his face in invisible ink.

Sammy removed the gaffer tape fae Stevie’s eyes, revealing further swelling and a lack of eyebrows. Ah couldnae help watching as Stevie tried tae focus after being blindfolded fur most of the day. Our eyes met, and it wiz like being punched in the stomach by a young Mike Tyson. Too embarrassed tae look away, Ah held his gaze fur as long as Ah could while he stared at me with eyes that reminded me of Munch’s The Scream. Ah felt ashamed turning away, but couldnae handle the guilt of looking him in the eye. It wiz like watching Children in Need, malnourished families in Africa or starving greyhounds tied tae a pole. But there wiz no way Ah wiz offering a donation of the type Sammy wiz proposing.

“Dae ye want tae gie him a couple a dunts?” Sammy slapped Stevie’s face twice and kicked him on each shin. “Look at ma knuckles. Ah cannae punch him anymore. Well, no th-night anywey. Hopefully, they’ll have calmed doon a bit by the morning. That’s how Ah asked the big man tae come roon and gie us a haun.”

“Naw mate. You batter in.” Ah checked the time on ma phone knowing it wiz ma best excuse fur an exit strategy. Although Ah’d be up most of the night Johnboy had work in the morning and would be climbing oot a bed in four and a half hours, if all went well. Ah glanced at him again. He wiz now more grey than white, making me think of his maw waving goodbye earlier as if she knew we were up tae nae good. Still trying tae appear undisturbed, Ah relaxed back in the couch as if nothing had happened, but wiz too scared tae lift the joint fae the ashtray in case Ah did a Johnboy and ended up throwing it at Stevie, or worse, Sammy. “So…eh… whit’s yir plans fur him?”

“It aw depends on how well he responds tae being re-educated. We’ll see how he looks and feels in a couple a days before deciding whether or no he has tae disappear. He’s actually been gettin’ it too easy the last couple a hours after we tried water-boarding him in the bath. Wee cunt still wouldnae own up to knowing where the kit wiz. Ah ended up fuckin soaking.”

Sammy put a white plastic bag over Stevie’s heid and tightened it until he began fighting fur air. He seemed fascinated watching the bag cling tae Stevie’s face as the oxygen ran oot, but eased aff when Stevie started trying tae rock the chair. Removing the bag, he wagged his index finger in Stevie’s face and gave him another swift kick in the shin, before returning tae the bookcase, remembering why he left his seat in the first place.

Ah leaned forward, used both hands tae take a mouthful of tea and grabbed ma opportunity. “Ah’ll be getting a loan of a van on Wednesday. If ye need anything moved give me a shout. Ah should have it aw day. Supposed tae be moving a few things oot ma maw’s hoose.”

Sammy appeared tae ignore me until he eventually found the book he wiz looking fur and sat back doon. “Aye, Ah’ll bear that in mind. That might be a good idea. Ye might turn oot tae be a clever cunt right enough.” He opened the book and flicked through the yellowing pages. “Here, look at this and tell me whit ye think noo.”

The History of the Lakota Peoples wiz a huge leather bound book. He held it in front of me and pointed to a sketch of Crazy Horse drawn by a Mormon missionary in 1934, which, according tae the book, wiz believed tae be accurate by Crazy Horse’s descendants.

“Wow!” Ah said, trying tae take the book fur a closer look. “That could be you right enough.”

“Get yir fuckin hauns aff.” He jerked it away but after thinking fur a few seconds handed it over. “Ye can take it wae ye if ye bring it back on Wednesday.”

Ah took the book and studied the picture; he wiz nothing like Sammy really. All they had in common wiz long dark greasy hair and several scars on their faces. Ah held it in front of Johnboy. “Whit dae you think?”

Johnboy tried tae speak but just nodded in silence.

Sammy lifted a blade fae his table and turned tae face us. “Hey, Johnboy, you’re awfy quiet and lookin’ like heap big pale face.”

Johnboy looked up and Ah noticed the vein on his temple trying tae break through to the other side and get the fuck out of there.

“Ah’m awright, Sammy,” Johnboy managed tae say as he sat stuck tae the settee as if tied tae it wae the same rope as Stevie.

“Duck!" said Sammy.

Johnboy took about half a second before folding doon like he wiz building a joint in the car, but wae considerably more speed. The blade spun through the air, over his heid, and planted itself in the wall.

Sammy laughed. “Noo whit would’ve happened there if ye hudnae ducked? Don’t rush in noo. Think aboot it.”

“Fuck sake, Sammy!” Ah said. “Ah fuckin shat myself there. Whit ye doing that fur?”

“Ah’m just showing Johnboy whit happens tae cunts if they don’t dae whit their telt when their telt. Ah wiz confident he’d be a good boay, and Ah wiz right. He knows Ah’m only playing, don’t ye Johnboy? Ah’m pretty sure he’ll no be tellin’ any cunt in work th-morra aboot this though. And you shouldnae be tellin’ any cunt aboot whit goes on in this hoose either. Gies ma knife back. Ah need tae clean it noo. That’s ma favourite lockback. Feel the quality of that handle by the way. Pure mahogany. Nane a yir cheap shite.”

Ah wriggled the blade free and counted about half a dozen previous scars on the wall behind Johnboy, who wiz sitting on the edge of his seat ready tae bolt, even though there wiz naewhere tae go, although he’d probably already thought of locking himself in the toilet fur starters, just tae give him some time tae come up wae another plan, or just tae sit and shite himself in a more appropriate environment. Ah held the knife by the blade and offered it back tae Sammy mahogany handle first. “Aye, quality right enough.”

Sammy took the knife and started laughing as he pretended tae throw it at Johnboy again and again.

“Right then. We’ll be aff doon the road so Johnboy can get tae his bed. Some of us have work in the morning, ye know.”

Sammy stopped laughing. “Fuckin part-timers! Ah work twenty-four-seven.”

“Aye, nae rest fur the wicked. Well, at least that’s whit ma granny used tae say.”

“Yir just like Jake right enough. Thinks he’s a fuckin comedian. Take care of ma book or you’ll be gettin’ the chair.” He pointed at poor Stevie. “Don’t think Jake’ll save ye if ye loss ma book. And don’t forget that van on Wednesday.”

Ah gathered up whit wiz mine and prepared tae leave.

Sammy tilted his heid and gave me the raised eyebrows look. “Ye forget something?”

“Nearly, in aw this excitement.” Ah reached intae ma jeans and gave him the money Ah’d almost taken fae ma wallet earlier.

He counted the money like a banker, facing each note the same way round before turning tae Stevie. “You keep yir eyes aff! You’re in enough trouble.”

Stevie lifted his heid, glanced around the room and held ma gaze for another couple of lifetimes before Ah looked away.

Sammy gave Gary the nod tae start unlocking the doors. Johnboy and me lifted ourselves fae the couch and didnae look back as we headed fae the living room.

Once oot the scheme Johnboy broke the silence. “Whit the fuck wiz that aw aboot? Ah feel sick. He’s goany fuckin kill him in there.”

“Sorry mate. Ah haven’t a clue. Ah’m sure he’ll no kill him though. He’s probably just teaching him a wee lesson.”

“A fuckin lesson? Fuck sake. You knew there wiz something going on, didn’t ye?”

“Ah didnae suspect anything like that shit. Ah thought he had women troubles or something.”

“But ye never told me ye knew there wiz something no right.”

“Ah didnae think ye’d come if ye knew.”

“Fuckin right Ah wouldnae have come. Fuck sake Danny! Stop the fuckin car! Ah’m goany be sick!”

Ah thought it wiz funny that he didnae bother aboot any cameras as he hung his head oot the door and threw up on the side of the road, but decided it wiz probably best no tae say anything.

After half an hour of driving down the road in silence Johnboy climbed oot the car and wobbled up his hame path, face grey and gaunt, t-shirt covered in sick, and heid up his arse. Feeling a bit guilty, Ah waved goodnight tae the back of his heid, part of me wishing Ah had a job tae get up fur in the morning, but most of me looking forward tae another long lie. Fur a brief moment Ah even thought of Stevie in his chair, but all guilt aboot leaving him had disappeared. It served the cunt right fur stealing. He could’ve stolen the white instead of the brown and left me well fucked.