FIVE WAYS IN WHICH YOU MIGHT DIE.

A.

A few years from now
you receive some very good news.
You excitedly call a loved one
to tell them about this.
They are very happy for you.
You are talking about how awesome this is
and aren’t paying proper attention to your surroundings.
You walk into the road and get hit by a bus.

E.

Ecstasy is offered to you on a night out.
You take it. You have a really good time.
You dance. You have deep conversations.
You make your friends laugh. You think
this is one of the best nights of your life.

The next day, you’re having dinner
out with your family. You haven’t slept.
You’re hungover as Hell, and started properly
coming down about a couple of hours ago.

You would love to sack this off,
just go to bed instead, but
it’s your Uncle’s birthday,
and you promised him you’ld be there.

You feel utterly horrendous.
You order the fish as you think
it will be quite light and you
can probably force half of it down
before claiming to be genuinely ill
saying something along the lines of,
“I’m sorry. I tried, I really did,
but I just don’t feel up to it.”
You figure they’ll believe you,
due to the fact that, currently,
you are physically incapable
of joining in with conversation.

Your meal arrives. After a few mouthfuls
you start to choke on a fishbone.
None of your family know the Heimlich Manoeuvre.
You try to do it to yourself on a chair,
but end up breaking it and falling to the floor.

Someone rushes over, picks you up
and starts trying it, but only succeeds
in breaking your ribs. You die
in this strangers arms.

I.

I murder you.

O.

One morning, one July, you call
in sick at work because you’re waiting
for a new laptop to be delivered.
You’re not quite sure what to do with yourself,
so end up just pacing around the place
waiting for your delivery.

You spot a spider on the ceiling.
It’s a fairly large one.
You get a mug and a postcard
but come back to find the spider
has gone. You cautiously look around
for it, but it has seemingly disappeared.

The doorbell rings. Your laptop’s arrived!
As you go to answer the door, you see,
the spider is there at your eye level.
You scream, recoil, and trip over
the recycling you left there last night.

You fall, head first, onto the floor
with such force it cracks your skull,
and causes a bleed in your brain
which kills you.

U.

Undeniably, you weren’t supposed
to live to be a hundred and fifty
yet here you are. You keep
being given clean bills of health
and told you will comfortably
reach your two hundreds.

You are bored. You are so very bored.
The media attention on you
being the oldest human alive is boring.
People pointing you out in the street is boring.
People wanting their photographs taken with you in the supermarket is boring.
People constantly asking things like,
“So, like, does everything still… y’know,
does everything still, like… work,
if you know what I mean?,” is boring.
You. Are. Bored.

Your children died years ago.
Your grandchildren have lost interest in you.
You’ve had enough.

You’ve heard that drowning
is supposed to be a relatively
peaceful way to go, so
you go to a bridge you know.

Your body isn’t what it used to be though
and you find you’re incapable of climbing over the railing.

Someone stops and asks what you’re doing.
You say, “Oh, nothing,” and walk off.
“Hey, aren’t you the-“
“Oldest person in the word, yeah, yeah, yeah…”

You go home. While watching tele
you have one of those ‘epiphany’ moments
where you think about the things
you haven’t done that you’ld like to.

You make a list. First up,
“Parachute jump.”

Because it’s your first time
and because of your age,
you do it attached to an instructor.
You both jump from the plane.
The freefall feels amazing.
The instructor pulls the cord.
The parachute doesn’t open.
They pull the cord for the emergency chute.
That doesn’t open either.
The instructor starts to panic.

“Oh well,” you think.
“It’s not like I was going to get to do everything, anyway.”