The Female Menopause!

The Female Menopause!

The characteristics of the Male Menopause are many and varied and all have been well documented in my previous posting showing how badly women are affected by this condition. I think, also, that it is likely that people have heard of the female condition known as Pre Menstrual Tension and most people realise that this can lead to a woman being a teensy bit moody but I am here to tell you that PMT is just a training period for what comes later. The Female Menopause!

Men be afraid, be very afraid as this condition does not just come every twenty eight days. It is something that moves in as a permanent guest of your wife’s personality. She will be over the top happy one minute and utterly cast down the next and men ignore it at your peril! You must learn that from now on your place is in the wrong! Whatever you say will not be the right thing, a fact that will be pointed out to you at every opportunity but I urge you most strongly not to keep quiet either as a woman’s mood swings can oscillate between whatever you say or do being a minor irritation to thoughts of murder for what she may see as unforgivable behaviour and for your own safety I advise you to empty the house of all sharp objects, strong disinfectants, bleach and of course, rat poison!

To give you some idea of the distress caused to women by this hateful condition the possible scenario goes something like this.

A Husband is sitting drinking a cup of tea, perhaps reading the morning paper when his wife enters the room.

Husband
Good Morning, love.

Wife
Oh, that’s it, I’ve not got my eyes open before you start.

Husband
What, I only said Good Morning.

Wife
Yeah and we both know what’s that’s supposed to mean.

Husband
But I only said Good morning.

Wife
Oh, so now it’s my fault, is it?

Husband
No, it’s not anyone’s fault.

Wife
That’s right! You never take responsibility for anything, do you?

Husband
What do you mean…never take responsibility?

Wife
I wondered how long it would be before you started on that again.

Husband
On what?

Wife
Don’t play the innocent with me, I know you too well.

Husband
What are you getting at?

Wife
Well if you don’t know then I’m sure I don’t.

Husband
I’m sorry but I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Wife
Isn’t that just like a man?

Husband
What is?

Wife
To deny all knowledge.

Husband
Of what?

Wife:
Well, you can’t wheedle your way out of it this time.

Husband
Out of what?

Wife
I should have listened to my mother. She could see what you were really like.

Husband
Will I ever be allowed to know what this secret information is that your mother had on me?

Wife
Don’t you dare talk about my mother like that!

Husband
Like what?

Wife
Bad mouthing her like that when she’s never said so much as an unkind word about you.

Husband
But you just said…

Wife
There you again, twisting everything I say.

Husband
I’m not. You just said…

Wife
I don’t need you to tell me what I just said. Thank you very much.

Husband
Okay, I won’t open my mouth again.

Wife
Oh, I wondered how long it would take you?

Husband
How long what would take me?

Wife
How long before I got the silent treatment, that’s what!

Husband
I can’t do right for doing wrong here, can I?

Wife
Well that’s a first.

Husband
What is?

Wife
You…admitting you’re in the wrong.

Husband
I’m not admitting any such thing.

Wife
No, that’s typical of you. You never admit to anything.

Husband
Well, why should I if I’ve done nothing wrong.

Wife
Oh, I forgot, you’re Mr Perfect, you are.

Husband
No, I wouldn’t say I was perfect.

Wife
That’s a good job then because neither would I.

Husband
I can’t believe we’re having a row like this just because I said Good morning.

Wife:
Yeah but it was the way you said it.

Husband
The way I said…

Wife:
Yes, you know what I’m talking about.

Husband
No, I’m sorry I don’t.

Wife
You didn’t just say Good morning. You couldn’t resist, could you?

Husband
Couldn’t resist what?

Wife
Don’t pretend you don’t know

Husband
What? Tell me.

Wife
You said Good Morning, LOVE!

Husband
What’s wrong with that?

Wife
If you don’t know then I’m not going to tell you.

Husband
What!

Wife
Don’t you take that tone with me! Just because I’ve found you out.

Husband
Now what are you on about?

Wife
Love, that’s what I’m on about, as well you know.

Husband
I’m sorry, but you are going to have to explain to me what is so wrong about saying Good Morning, love?

Wife
It’s abrasive and confrontational…first thing in the morning!

Husband
Shall I get you one of your tablets dear?

Wife
No, I don’t trust you. Never know what tablet you might give me.

WIFE GOES LOOKING FOR HER BAG IN ANOTHER ROOM.

THE HUSBAND MOVES QUICKLY TOWARDS THE KNIFE DRAWER AND REMOVES EVERY SHARP OBJECT.

WIFE RETURNS WITH HER TABLETS.

Husband
Let me get you a glass of water for your tablet.

Wife
Guilty conscience?

Husband
No I just thought…

SHE TAKES TABLET.

Husband
Tablets are always more effective if taken with a glass of water.

Wife
What do you know about tablets? You’ve no idea what I go through. If my head’s not pounding my feet are killing me and do you help around the house? No, always too busy like this morning sat there reading the paper. I wish I had time to read the paper.

Husband
I've told you, you work too much.

Wife
I know but who else is going to do it if I don’t?

Husband
Darling there really is no need to dust on top of the wardrobes every day now, is there?

Wife
Don’t you go laying the law down like that to me.

Husband
No, I just think you are making unnecessary work for yourself.

Wife
And what would you know about work? You’ve never done a decent day’s work in your life.

Husband
Oh, that’s hardly fair, I worked for thirty years in industry but now I’m retired I thought…

Wife
I’ve worked thirty years too but I’m still working now. When can I retire, that’s what I want to know?

Husband
That’s why I don’t want to see you wasting your time dusting on top of wardrobes ever day.

Wife (furious)
Wasting my time, wasting my time…

SHE GOES TOWARDS KNIFE DRAWER.

Wife
Where are all the knives?

Husband
You don’t need knives, darling.

Wife
Yes, I do.

Husband
Wha…what, why do you want knives, darling?

Wife
I was going to do some toast. That is all right, is it? In my own house!

Husband (Relieved)
Of course it is. I think maybe your tablet is kicking in. What do you think?

Wife
Oh, I don’t know…

Husband
I’m sorry if I upset you. I’ll try to be a better husband.

Wife
Will you?

Husband
Yes of course, darling.

Wife
Okay, I forgive you.

Husband
Thank you.

Wife
But you must promise not to upset me by being so abrasive in the mornings.

Husband
I promise.

Wife (Lifting her face for a kiss)
Kissy kissy…

Husband
That’s better. I hate it when we argue.

Wife
Yes, so do I. Is there a cup of tea in that pot, darling?

Husband
Yes, dear, anything for you.

HUSBAND QUIETLY PUTS ALL SHARP OBJECTS BACK IN DRAWER.

End