Jelly Donuts and Drunken Ducks - A Craven Danger Mystery

“Did you find anything in the classifieds, George?”

“I did, Helen.” said her husband. “And I think we may have found our man. It says here,

Craven Danger, Private Detective
210 East 88th Street
2nd floor
New York, NY
ATwater 9-3757

“Have mercy on those who try to run
From the man who carries the biggest gun”

“The biggest gun?” said Craven Danger over the intercom. ”My gun ain‘t no bigger than nobody else‘s, Betty.”

“It rhymed the best with run,” said Betty. “I tried ‘the man with the biggest buns’, but it sounded too personal. And, besides, outrunnin’ a man with buns as big as yours shouldn’t be a problem for most people. It’d be false advertisin’. But shootin’ a bad guy with your big gun should be easy, unless of course you run out of breath from carryin’ around that extra bag of jelly donuts."

“Whaddaya sayin’, Betty?” said Craven.

“Only that you spend a lot of time in that chair, Mr. Danger, when you could be out exercisin’ those jelly donuts of yours.”

“You sayin’ I got a fat behind?” said Craven.

“I was tryin’ ta be polite,” said Betty. “But if ya must know, yeah, I’ve noticed a change. You used to have a nice swagger, Mr. Danger. I used ta like watchin’ ya walk away. But now your swagger is more like a waddle.”

“I waddle?”

“Like a drunken duck,” said Betty. “But let’s get down to brass facts, Mr. Danger."

“Tacks.”

“Them, too,” Said Betty. “I only put the ad in the paper to drum up some work. That little inheritance from your Aunt Margaret is gonna run out pretty soon and you’re not gonna be able to afford this office no more. And that means you can’t afford to pay me what you ain’t been payin’ me anyway. But you gotta get in shape Mr. Danger, or pretty soon I’m gonna have ta hire piano movers to get that sack of donuts of yours down the stairs. So, I think we should start by going for a long walk in Central Park. Whaddaya say, Mr. Danger? It‘s a beautiful summer day out there.”

“I guess a walk wouldn’t do me no harm,” said Craven. “But no more wise cracks about drunken ducks and jelly donuts."

Out in the street Craven Danger and Betty Fletcher headed wst to Central Park.

“Hey, Kid!” said the cab driver pulling up to the curb. “I remember you! You remember me?”

“Sure,” said Betty, “How you doin’ Sidney?”

“I’m doin’ pretty good, miss,” said Sidney. “I see ya got a new boyfriend.”

“No,” said Betty. “This is Mr. Danger.”

“You mean the private detective I took to the piers that one time?”

“That’s me, Sidney,” said Craven.

“What happened to ya?” said Sidney.

“Excuse me?” said Craven.

“No offense, Mr. Danger,” said Sidney. “But those pants are about ta bust loose at the seams and you’re gonna get yourself arrested for indecent exposure.”

“Another wisecracker!” said Craven.

“Why don’t cha climb in and I’ll take you wherever you’re goin’”

“We’re only going for a walk in the park, Sidney,” said Betty. “It’s only a few blocks.”

“Suit yourself, but if ya ever need me, here’s my card.”

“Sidney Green,” read Betty. “The hack with a knack for keepin’you on track.”

“Thanks, Sidney,” said Betty. “We‘d love ta give ya the business sometime.”

“I'd apprecitate it," said Sidney. "And it's nice to see two sweethearts out for a walk on a sunny afternoon in New York even if it is killin’ my business. I’ll be seein’ ya, kids.”

“What did he mean sweethearts?” said Craven. “Are we sweethearts? What have you been tellin’ him?”

“I ain’t been tellin’ him nothin’, said Betty. “A person sees what a person sees, I suppose.”

“Well,” said Craven. “One sweetheart doesn’t go around callin’ the other sweetheart mister.”

“She does if the other sweetheart is her boss and she ain’t wearin’ no ring or even been asked out to dinner, yet. Or given a flower, even. Not even a peck or two on the cheek.”

“Hmm," said Craven “It is a beautiful day, ain’t it?”

"It sure is,” said Betty.

"Maybe we’ll stop on the way back and throw on the feedbag,” said Craven.”

“Ah,” said Betty. “That would be swell, Mr. Danger.”

“I said, maybe,” said Craven.

“I heard ya the first time,” said Betty.

“Good," said Craven. “Are ya sure you wouldn’t rather take a cab? I’m gettin’ a little winded.”

“Winded? We ain’t started walkin’ yet!" said Betty. “And you’re losin’ those jelly donuts, Mr. Danger! Now keep walkin’. I’m dyin’ ta see that swagger again.”