Save me

The rhythm is very jerky in the piece. Many instances just fail to flow for me. Where does this ma character come from? the two stanza line ending just feels like it was tossed in. Thy submerge me and everything - they submerge. cut the "and everything", it just falls flat. The problem I have is it just jumps from one style to the next. We're talking about texting, then mom, then the line "what is going on?" just pops up, There's moments of great potential in the piece, though. the fingers punching line is nice. The first 8 lines flow very well, strong and simple, you maintain form and style and depth without allowing the pain story to become too overbearing or whiney. Don't mean to sound too harsh, but I see potential in your writing so long as you can work it out.

Unfortunately, I agree with Mike. This piece holds potential, and form nearer to the beginning, but then it stretches out into a whirlpool of ideas. I'm not a professional poet, whatsoever, but I can't help but point out some things myself... My corrections or suggestions are in bold and lean closer to a writer's perspective, I guess: Tell me what I should do. How I can (can I?) escape The clutches Of this dark moon? On this note, I don't really see where 'moon' comes from...because the moon isn't dark—but rather, luminescent. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe it's a metaphor of some kind? I don't know. I'm pointing it out, regardless—even as it probably makes me look ridiculous. Organs prove dysfunctional: I put a colon there, because at first it seems the right thing to do. But then I read on and think, 'Oh...well...I'm not sure anymore...' Because I'm not quite sure how ears (that the following implies) are organs (unless, the following lines are unrelated to the first?). Voices I hear? My voice... Your voice... ... Words fill the page Emotions drizzle (new word choice here, maybe, instead of 'drizzle'?) They ripple (same thing here) Thy (should be 'they') submerge me and everything (eliminate 'and everything'...) ... Ma, you hear? Why don't they Teach us at school How to deal with this pain? I am sleepy Black darkness This line doesn't seem to work, because 'black' and 'darkness' are pretty much the same thing... Anyway, I hope I've helped, or at least dragged some minor issues into the light. Again, I'm not a professional poet or anything. Keep writing, though. At some point in the more recent past, I've been told, and then realized for a strict fact, that "we're all learning". That even goes for the eldest and wisest of us.