Rape

By pom99

Fri, 07 Sep 2012
  • 1976 reads
10 comments
 

The shy flame of the candle,
virgin demeanour,
Struggles in the forest of the night,
The passing breeze steals solitary glances at her,
Outside the trees and the rain
Whisper and wait,
Serendipity perchance
To seduce and ravage
the naked, alluring flame.

Certificate 15
Poem
my rants
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by Sooz006 on
The passing wind.... this poem is beautiful .. but you may want to re-write this phrase when passing and wind are put together as a phrase my tarnished mind will only conjurer one image, and I don't think it's the one you intended. Other than that a lovely, rich poem. Welcome to the site. Nice one.

 

Submitted by pom99 on
Thank you for your feedback Sooz006. I can assure you that my intention was not to conjure up images like the one in your mind :) Maybe you could suggest an alternative to the phrase. 'Hurrying wind' would perhaps suffice. I don't know much about poetry but just write whatever comes to my mind and follow one poetry website. My first time on any online writing forum and I am a bit shy to be here. Hopefully, I will learn from people here. Regards

Submitted by Natalia on
Hi! Welcome to the site. I really really like this, especially the 'whisper and wait' bit.

Natalia :)

Submitted by pom99 on
Thanks a lot Natalia. Do keep reading and commenting on my work. It will encourage me a lot.

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
A big welcome to abc tales. I have to say this poem is great. I was wondering just as a suggestion, but instead of passing wind, you could say fleeting wind, or passing breeze. Just a suggestion. Though it's your work and I really liked it, as already said. Will read some more of your work. Jenny.

 

Submitted by pom99 on
Thank you Jennifer. I like your suggestion so I am changing it to 'passing breeze' . Please do keep your feedback coming. Everybody is original if he is true to himself and speaks from his self. But it must be from his true self and not from the self he thinks he should be. - Brenda Ueland

Submitted by pjmerrigan on
Firstly, welcome to the site. Secondly, like everyone else, I liked this too. The only thing that jarred for me was the word 'perchance'. I've used it once or twice myself so I know how easy it can fit. But it just stood out as feeling a bit mismatched in the poem. Not that I can think of anything else to replace it with... Good poem though.

Submitted by pom99 on
Thanks for your feedback pjmerrigan. Everybody is original if he is true to himself and speaks from his self. But it must be from his true self and not from the self he thinks he should be. - Brenda Ueland

Submitted by Jessiibear on
Welcome, pom. Loved this. I especially favoured the first two lines. Relatable. Thanks for posting. :)

Jess

Submitted by pom99 on
Thank you Jessica.