Shedding

By Chinobus

Mon, 10 Sep 2012
  • 2119 reads
8 comments
 

Shedding,
Tears to drown the vivacious memories,
Clinging to edges of the tormented mind.
Shedding,
Palid skin slivered in the lonliness,
Glistening frosted mirrors of your transparent face.
Shedding,
Thoughts distanced in viscious dust,
Awaiting for your beaming eyes to be ressurected open.
Shedding,
Regrets locked away in static hearts,
Never I can never be free from your painted future.
Shedding,
Barricaded delusions within my soul,
Gloriously awaiting the lotus bloom,
saintly forgetfullness.

Certificate U
Poem
Poetry
Love

Comments

Submitted by Parson Thru on
Hi Chinobus. This poem leaves an imprint on me and makes me want to read it more than once. In terms of style, it's whatever works for you and your message. For public reading, maybe use the spell checker in Word or something, as misspellings might distract from the poem, though not everyone will agree. I like this partly because it is different and that is good. My writing has suffered from trying to follow influences. It has got me into a hole. Avoid that. Keep going. I like this poem. Good luck.

Parson Thru

Submitted by scratch on
I too like it chinobus. The overall impression is good. I would drop the odd word here and there and perhaps reconsider some punctuation but of course that is a personal opinion. I think that you have done a good job and written a splendid poem. Well done.

 

Submitted by blackjack-davey on
The spelling is off-putting. Do you mean 'silvered?' also the poem doesn't offer me any real insight - unless we think of forgetfulness as a 'glorious lotus bloom.' That to me is the most interesting part. Most people would love to discard upsetting memories but in my own experience it is the transformation over time that is really remarkable. For my taste the poem is in a much too self-conscious poetic register. People will probably leap to your defence and say stay true to your voice and write for yourself etc but you did ask for a critique.

 

Submitted by The Walrus on
I like your poem, Chinobus. I agree with the other comments, you need to check your spelling and reconsider the punctuation (and omit the capital letters at the beginning of every line, excepting at the beginning of sentences), but apart from that it's very pleasing. Take note of blackjack-davey's comment, and make sure you communicate exactly what you're trying to say before you post your piece. Also, it's easy to get washed away by the beauty of the language. Is using the image of Lotus absolutely necessary?

Submitted by Chinobus on
Thank you everyone! As far as the wording its is more methodical than metaphorical with a touch of abrupt attention getting words. The beginning is a premise to the effects of clinging to a memory of a woman who has been dead for quite some time. If you look carefully at the double meaning of c my word chaining. Take a painted future for example, a future only created by the woman who does not live anymore and through painting this future the narrarator keeps her memories alive by creating new fantasys. The lotus bloom is a flower in Greek/Roman mythology that causes people to forget the things of the past and of the future. Through forgetfulness the narrator expects to be free of the memories that torment his damned soul, however, as the poem ends you realize that he may be waiting forever for this gift. Ill read through it and fix a few things, thanks again writing friend. May you be completely inspired!

- Chinobus -

Submitted by Chinobus on
Thank you everyone! As far as the wording its is more methodical than metaphorical with a touch of abrupt attention getting words. The beginning is a premise to the effects of clinging to a memory of a woman who has been dead for quite some time. If you look carefully at the double meaning of c my word chaining. Take a painted future for example, a future only created by the woman who does not live anymore and through painting this future the narrarator keeps her memories alive by creating new fantasys. The lotus bloom is a flower in Greek/Roman mythology that causes people to forget the things of the past and of the future. Through forgetfulness the narrator expects to be free of the memories that torment his damned soul, however, as the poem ends you realize that he may be waiting forever for this gift. Ill read through it and fix a few things, thanks again writing friend. May you be completely inspired!

- Chinobus -

Submitted by Chinobus on
Thank you everyone! As far as the wording its is more methodical than metaphorical with a touch of abrupt attention getting words. The beginning is a premise to the effects of clinging to a memory of a woman who has been dead for quite some time. If you look carefully at the double meaning of c my word chaining. Take a painted future for example, a future only created by the woman who does not live anymore and through painting this future the narrarator keeps her memories alive by creating new fantasys. The lotus bloom is a flower in Greek/Roman mythology that causes people to forget the things of the past and of the future. Through forgetfulness the narrator expects to be free of the memories that torment his damned soul, however, as the poem ends you realize that he may be waiting forever for this gift. Ill read through it and fix a few things, thanks again writing friend. May you be completely inspired!

- Chinobus -

Submitted by Chinobus on
Thank you everyone! As far as the wording its is more methodical than metaphorical with a touch of abrupt attention getting words. The beginning is a premise to the effects of clinging to a memory of a woman who has been dead for quite some time. If you look carefully at the double meaning of c my word chaining. Take a painted future for example, a future only created by the woman who does not live anymore and through painting this future the narrarator keeps her memories alive by creating new fantasys. The lotus bloom is a flower in Greek/Roman mythology that causes people to forget the things of the past and of the future. Through forgetfulness the narrator expects to be free of the memories that torment his damned soul, however, as the poem ends you realize that he may be waiting forever for this gift. Ill read through it and fix a few things, thanks again writing friend. May you be completely inspired!

- Chinobus -