How to Annoy people part 1... Jehovah's Witnesses.

By MS

Sun, 30 Sep 2012
  • 5912 reads
13 comments
 

I would like to share with you a real conversation that took place between myself and two JW's a while ago.

Ding Dong

Two young Jehovah's are standing outside my door, I know this by the way they dress. They always give the appearance that they have been dressed by an 80 year old celibate Aunt, or abused by one.

MS. Good morning

JW. Good morning, we were wondering if you could spare a few moments to talk about God.

MS. Certainly, what do you want to know? Any God in particular?

JW. Oh, are you a religious man?

MS. Christ no. Would you like to come in. It must be cold out there.

JW. Oh, erm, ok.

MS. Hey nice shoes, my wife used to have some like that.

JW. How nice, is she here?

MS. (shaking my head slowly) not any more.

JW's are now sitting opposite me in my front room, MTV is playing on the Tv in the same room.

Quick Pre History. Jehovahs believe there is going to be an Armageddon where only 144,000 of the chosen few will make it to Heaven, and the rest of them will be resurrected along with the past dead since the days of Abel and live forever in paradise on Earth. Taking something as wacky as the bible and making it wackier makes them pretty wacky.

JW. (offering a copy of WatchTower to me) we would like you to take one of these.

The booklet has a picture of different coloured folks lounging around on a summers day in the middle of a lush green field, a Tiger is being petted by a small black boy. Everyone looks real happy.

MS. (Turning up Westlifes, Flying without Wings which has just come on Tv) Hold on I lovvvveee this track.
(Holding my arms aloft) come on join in I know you want to, everyone lovvves a bit of Westlife.

JW. You are a very happy man.

MS. Westlife Come on (still holding my arms aloft) anyone?, ok then.

MS. Happy? Not as happy as this lot (pointing at the people on the booklet)

JW. They have every reason to be, they're in Para.

MS. Paradise, yes I know all about it. Not too good for the Tiger though.

JW. Sorry?

MS. Well, all he wants to do is eat the little black kid.

JW. Not in paradise.

MS. What?,.. does no one have to eat in paradise?

JW. No, they will live for ever.

MS. Why is there apples on this tree here? (pointing at apple tree on booklet)

JW. Apples bring enjoyment, they are in Paradise

MS. Of course, yes, very good. How come Tigers eat people now, but not when they've been er resurrected?

JW. Its Parad

MS. Paradise, yes you said. Is there bad Tigers and good Tigers? Which ones get to come back.

JW. That will be Jehovahs will.

MS. Yes, but surely on the scope of things and eating people, all Tigers are Bad.

JW. I think you going of the point here Sir.

MS. Oh was there a point to all this? What about Lions?

JW. We want to be given the opportunity to let you welcome God into your life.

MS. Oh I see, enough with the foreplay, straight on with the nuts deep anal, eh?

JW. (nervous cough)

MS. This whole 144,000 thing.

JW. Yes

MS. Are you one of them?

JW. That will be Jehovahs will.

MS. Its not good enough really, If Im going to be convinced I want to speak to one of the 144,000.Could you get one round here?

JW. Lets say I could be one of them

MS. That's a bit presumptuous isn't. Check out the ego on Bob.

JW. My name is Nathan

MS. Check out the ego on Nat, I would have thought Jehovah wouldn't be best pleased by such things.

JW. Cough, erm..So you are aware of our faith then

MS. Hard not be, you keep knocking on my fucking door.

JW. I think maybe we should be going.

MS. Look, youre obviously completely mad and quite frankly I find it outrageous that you feel its ok to knock on my door and explain how mad you are. I already know that. I'm an Atheist so I don't care which God you want to use to explain why you don't get laid or why you're not very tall or don't make much money. Itsallnonsense, I can prove it on an etch-a-sketch. Tell me do you believe in chance?

JW. Sorry

MS. (taking a coin out of my pocket) if I toss this coin theres a fifty fiftyish chance taking into consideration other influences what side its going to land face up, yes?

JW. Yes (trying to get past me to the door)

MS. Well, isn't it just chance that your Dad didn't knock up a Muslim, a Hindu, or a Sikh or a Jew, then you could be knocking on my door trying to convert me to a whole different set of beliefs? Which really shows religion to be the complete sham that it is?

JW. That was Jehovahs will.

MS. Might not have been

JW. But it was.

MS. Look I find you both very attractive and as much as I find your belief system abhorrent, if want to pop up stairs for a little 3 way, im right up for it.

At this point both have made it to the door and hurrying up the road looking a tad unsettled

MS. (leaning out of door) what about Sharks?

note: im not really a fan of Westlife.

Certificate 15
Blah, blah, blah.
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by denni1 on
Brilliant. Good for you. Ham shankers, eh xx

Submitted by Denzella on
Oh MS, I rally enjoyed this. I have often thought of writing a story about JW's. I had a vision of someone inviting them in and they wanting to get away but the person chases them down street shouting 'Come back' Anyway very funny. Moya
 

Submitted by MS on
Thanks Denni & Denzella (hey if you two ever get together with some musical instruments thats a great band name)i have no problem with anyones personal beliefs, its only when they try to involve me in the madness that i get really pissed off.

 

Submitted by denni1 on
I remember a couple of blokes in my house when l was a wee lassie. They were those Jovial Witnesses. I thought they were from the polis, and there to take my daddy away. Years later, l found out he told them he was a closet homosexual, and invited them in for a wink wink threesome! They ran off, toot sweet! Den Den. Yep. That would work. There's the Ting Rings, after all ..

Submitted by denni1 on
Ting Tings .. oops

Submitted by karl_wiggins on
I loved this. I once invited a couple of them in myself when I was living in Portugal. My wife came home to find them sitting their nervously while I interrogated them. “Right, the pair of you, get out now,” was her response, and she chucked them both out the door. I didn’t know they preached that only 144,000 of the chosen few will make it to Heaven. I was recently researching that because it’s a lot easier than working out – according to the Bible - how many people God is going to kill on the Day of Judgement. “I heard the number of them which were saved and there were saved an 144,000 of all the tribes of the children of Israel,” Revelation 7:4 “The hundred and forty and four thousand which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women, for they are virgins,” Revelation 14:3-4 So on the Day of Judgement only 144,000 Jewish male virgins (not Jehovah’s Witnesses at all) will survive. Every single woman on earth and all the rest of the men (6.8 billion) will be killed by God and then tormented forever in hell. It honestly makes you wonder why women or anyone who isn’t a Jew bother going to church at all, because according to the Bible God’s going to kill the lot of us.

 

Submitted by denni1 on
Ha ha halaylooooyaaaaaahhhh ..

Submitted by MS on
Hi Karl, thanks for the comments. Scary isnt when you quote it, and to think its law that our kids have to be told such pornography.

 

Submitted by jolono on
Loved it MS. I also love to wind them up. My favourite one was when I was skinning a rabbit ( I used to be a butcher), a friend of mine had brought three rabbits round to my house for me to gut and skin for him. Half way through the procedure there was a knock on the door, I was wearing an apron and my hands were covered in blood. It was the JW's. Now I always like to have a bit of a laugh with them. They said they would like to talk to me about god, i said that would be fine as i love a good debate and i'm a devil worshipper. I then went to the kitchen and brought out a half skinned rabbit, I said I was in the middle of a small sacrifice and would they care to join me. They didn't and I haven't seen them since.

 

Submitted by MS on
Thanks Jolono, it does seem like were picking on them here, but they do ask for it.

 

Submitted by jolono on
They have become the new "door to door" sales people. They were banned in most areas years ago but these people think they can just knock on your door and start preaching! I used to run large sales teams and i would have loved to have had a few of them in the team, the best "cold callers" ever!

 

Submitted by karl_wiggins on
What I fail to understand is this need to force your beliefs on someone else. Everyone in the world is entitled to their own beliefs. That's cool. But why do some people seem to be on a mission to force their own beliefs on you? Why can't they just live and let live? We have friends who are Methodists. They're lovely people, yet one day in casual conversation she happened to throw in that we were going to hell, which I thought was a bit weird. I asked what she based that assumption on, and it turned out to be nothing more than the fact that she knows we're going to hell. I told her she doesn't know it at all, she just believes it, which is totally different. I know I can ride a bike and I know I can swim, but I don't the circumference of the earth is 25,000 miles because I've never actually measured it myself, so I only believe it because they tell me so. But she was totally brainwashed.

 

Submitted by denni1 on
' l beleeeeive a kin flyyyyyyyyyyyy'. (Who sung that crap)