Didn't We Have a Lovely Day the Day We Went To...?

Didn’t We Have a Lovely Day the Day We Went To…?

Has any other woman noticed that the man in her life has an overwhelming aversion to asking another male for directions? They will travel the length and breadth of the country in order to avoid this most humiliating situation. It is almost as if they think that by needing to ask for help in finding somewhere it is as if someone has calumniated on the size of their manhood. Don’t you just love that word…? ‘manhood.’

To give an example, though not, of course, of a calumniated manhood, no, I mean that I remember on one particular occasion back in the eighties during the school holidays we were going to take the children to Thorpe Park. ‘How pleasant,’ I hear you say. Yes, you would think so, wouldn’t you?

However, because our business was a boarding kennels which is a seven day a week job, opportunities to take our two daughters on little excursions were few and far between during the summer. School holidays were obviously one of our busiest periods so any opportunity to take the girls somewhere nice for a day out was precious to us as much as to the children.

So I think the reader will be able to imagine my frustration when on this particular day out after numerous stops to look at the Express Route Map we still had no definite or clear idea of a route ahead and so we started to argue.

“Quick, there’s a man, ask him.” I said.

But would My Beloved hear of it. No!

“There’s no need, I’ll be all right once I get on the A51.”

“Then will we be on the right road?”

“No, but from there we can pick up the B114 going to Abergavenny.”

“But isn’t Abergavenny in Wales?” I enquired in what I considered to be a reasonable tone. Well, we had set off at eight O-clock and it was now nearly ten O-clock. Besides, we had got up at half past six so that we could make an early start.

“Yes,” said My Beloved “but we don’t actually go in to Wales because by cutting across country on the B1120 we can pick up the A 9 for Glasgow.”

“Oh, okay, so is Thorpe Park in Glasgow?”

“Of course not, Silly Billy, I’m only going as far as the Forth or is it the Fifth Bridge and then I will pick up the B11120”

“But isn’t that the road that took us across country to pick up the A9?”

“Yes, but this time we’ll be coming in from a different direction so we should be able to see signs saying Thorpe Park.”

“We should be able to see signs…” sounded ominous to me. But by this time our passengers, the wee daughters, well we were, according to My Beloved, almost in Scotland, were decidedly fed up and I was slowly coming to the boil. It was now nearly half past one and I had been asking My Beloved to stop so I could get the food from the boot since half past twelve as the girls and I were hungry but would he stop? This is My Beloved we’re talking about, would he heck as like. So now the girls are fighting, my head is pounding and I just want to go home.

The likelihood of that happening was becoming ever closer because having travelled the length and breadth of the country we were now on a jolly jaunt to somewhere only God had ever visited before. But although this little travelogue took place in the eighties God, presumably, had got Sat Nav as a God in his position would have had access to all that technology long before us but in any event he was not short of a destination or two in the miracle department. So, he could have called up a miracle at any time and if we were going to end up with a day out in Thorpe Park it would be considered by me, at least, a nice gesture, if he could call one up for us too.

Anyway, back on the B111120 or was it the B11111120 going to where we had just come from My Beloved suddenly says

“This is not right, I think I should have turned left at that last junction but the map didn’t say that. You can never rely on maps they often don’t mention any new roads and there was no sign to say that was the direction we should be heading in but I just think this is not right. I don’t recognise any of this, do you?”

“No.”

“You got the hump with me?”

“Yes…”

“Well, let me show you on the map and you’ll see what I mean.”

“No, when we get to the next town can we please just ask someone. And will you at least stop so that the girls and I can have something to eat. We’re starving.”

“You’re not the only one who’s hungry.”

“Well, then why didn’t you stop when I first asked you to?”

“Because I thought if we could just get a little nearer then we could stop and have our lunch.”

“But we’re not nearer if anything we seem to be further away.”

“That might be how it seems but you’ve never had a good sense of direction. Anyway, I've stopped now so I’ll just go and get the sandwiches.”

“And the flask.”

“Now then, here we are. I’m really looking forward to something to eat because I’m starving.”

“I’m not surprised. It’s three o-clock.”

“Oh, well we’ll soon be there.”

“When we reach the next town will you please just ask someone?”

“I don’t think that will be necessary because the next town is Aberystwyth and from there I can pick up the B13456 which should take me right to Thorpe Park.”

“Please, just ask someone.”

“Oh, all right. Have it your own way. I don’t think I can take any more of your nasty, sarcastic comments.”

Nasty sarcastic comments! Well, I go to the end of my house!

But this is no time to answer back so I keep quiet and eat my sandwiches like the good and dutiful wife that I am known to be.

Having eaten we set off once again and when we arrived in the next town, which was, quite by some unexpected chance, not Aberystwyth but was instead some equally interesting destination if one should be looking for such a place as Northampton before My Beloved finally stopped to ask someone for directions.

“Can you tell me where I can pick up the road to Thorpe Park?”

“Oh, if you’re going to Thorpe Park you don’t want to be starting from here.”

“No.”

“No.”

“Where then?”

“Take the first turning on your left at the top of the hill, turn sharp right then take the second exit off the roundabout and you’ll come to a set of traffic lights.”

“Yes.”

“Ignore them but look out for a pub on your right called The Lost Souls, then take a sharp left before you come to a junction, or is it a roundabout, I can never remember. No it is a roundabout because it’s called Fiveways and you need to take one of those exits but I’m not sure which one because I don’t come from round here. Don’t forget; take the first turning on your left at the top of the hill. Or is it a right, no I’m right it is a left.”

“Thank you.”

My Beloved gets back in the car with a steely expression on his face and with a withering look at me says,

“Any more good ideas?”

“Yes,” I said, “Just one. Let’s go home Thorpe Park closes at five o-clock and it’s now ten past.”

Beloved then says - notice I’ve cast him adrift; he’s no longer MY Beloved. At that precise moment in time, he could have been anyone’s Beloved - anyway, I say again…Beloved says,

“There you are girls, didn’t Daddy promise you a lovely day out.”

It was a good job the girls were asleep and I had a mouthful of the last cheese and tomato sandwich and we were in a moving vehicle otherwise…

It’s true what they say that there’s nothing like a good day out and that day, for sure, was nothing like a good day out!

END